you can take it
I was talking to a guy. He said something caustic. Arbitrary. Cutting. I can not repeat it. It was about work. He thought he was being clever I think. But to me it was just mean. And I said “Well you can not talk to me like that.” And he said all his women friends were strong clever women who could take it and he thought I could too. And I thought —
The implication I guess is strong clever women are fine when people are mean to them. They can take it. And if I am not fine well I am not strong or clever. I just can’t take it. And probably I was supposed to leap into the breach and say “Oh silly me you are right I am a strong clever woman so here hit me again.”
I told him to be nice to me or take a hike.
I guess I am a weak dumb woman.
This has happened before. This “You are only smart and strong if you defend yourself against arbitrary and reasonless assault.” I went out with a guy who took me to surprise dinner with THE SQUASH BOYS —
[I do not go out with that guy any more and please do not ask me to explain “Squash Boys.”]
One of The Squash Boys was hugely obnoxious.
Every word was underhanded cutting attack. It was like World War III over sushi which I do not even eat so it was totally a bad dinner.
After, the guy who even thought it was okay to spring Sushi With Squash Boy on me [on a dinner date — hello?] told me he told a friend dinner did not go well [he figured that out all on his own] and the friend asked if I was dumb or just could not hold my own with Squash Boy.
Here is what is odd to me about that conversation — outside I even heard about it: No one thought Squash Boy was a problem. [Squash Boy is probably distorting the space time continuum to this day.] They thought the problem was I was stupid or weak if I did not want to spar Squash Boy.
Maybe it is just me. Probably it is just me. But I do not think it is “smart” or “strong” to “take it” while someone says mean things to you. See —
You can leave it.
That is the part everyone always seems to leave out.
You. Can. Just. Leave. It.
Leaving it is better. Seriously. What is your prize for not leaving it? More dinners with Squash Boy? Get out of there. Right now. Do not even give an explanation. Just walk. There is no good reason to stick around while someone says mean things to you. I don’t care how it is masked. Disguised as clever — mean is mean. Disguised as humor — mean is mean. And taking mean does not make you strong. And taking mean does not make you smart. And taking mean does not make you clever. Taking mean just makes you tired. And that badge of honor? She can take it? Is not worth that kind of tired.
31 Responses to you can take it
You are not a weak dumb woman – you are a smart strong woman who can walk away from mean comments.
I wish I could – I just give some mean back. Me bad.
Squash? WAF. (what a fag)
A-freakin-men. I got into it with a “friend” a long while back who loved to do the “cut you down” thing. I didn’t put up with all of it–some I let slide, pick your battles and all. Towards the end, he made some remark that just pushed me over the edge and I called him on it. His response was that I just “have to accept him for who he is and not who I want him to be.”
I replied that no, I don’t have to accept him for who he is, and in fact I don’t accept and that the matter was over, as was our friendship.
I still get the occasional email from him but I delete them and don’t look back. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.
You’re right. Just walk away. Mean people suck.
When I was in my early twenties this weird thing happened to me.
My friend’s car stalled right in front of this Shell Gas Station and these mechanics helped her push her car into their lot and while she waited for her husband to come tow it away these guys fixed the radio and did all these little repairs while she waited ( for free ! )
A month later I go to the same station to buy gas
and ( why not, I’d heard nice things about the place)when I go to leave my car stalls.
This guy comes out from the station and says do I want them to look at it and I say no, I’m going to get it towed to my friend’s house and then this guy says, “listen we either work on it or we tow it out into the mall lot and if we do that it’s gonna cost you 300.00 ( and this was in the early 80’s…my rent was 315.00!)
So I ask if someone will help me at least push it out of there lot to the Mall lot (it’s like 10 feet away and he says
” it’s gonna cost you 300.00 if we touch it…so make up your mind or move it yourself NOW” and then he sort of laughs and says as he walks away ” Ugly Cu*&. ”
Wow…talk about a defining moment. I went home and pulled all the mirrors off my wall.
I mean, I never thought being ugly could get me hurt of whatever- but that’s what I thought for a very long time.
Mean people really, really suck
It’s one of those things I’ve never been able to figure out. I’ve met a lot of people like this and I honestly don’t think they believe they are being offensive. It’s as if the words ‘it’s only a joke’ make anything that comes out of their mouthes ok. these are probably the same people that say ‘I’m not racist but…’ aswell.
Just walk away Max, just walk away.
I’m with you there…they don’t think they’re offensive….just really, really clever.
Which is worse.
My kid’s nanny has been a “squash boy” to me lately. Yesterday, I literally told her not to say one more thing that would make me feel bad. It’s not a damn sport! If I turned that shit on her she’d be in tears in mins. I dumbed myself down to try to save my marriage and I can’t go there anymore. I applaud you for walking away!
Beautiful–well said, Max.
I find it interesting how different people react to me when I wear make-up vs when I don’t. I get treated very differently sometimes.
This sort of behavior is abuse–straightforward abuse. Our country (America) has sanctioned verbal abuse on a societal level, and bully mentality is getting more common. Our TV shows reflect it, our media reflects it, its everywhere. People who act like that need to be shunned.
Oh God! You are so right – screw so called “pride” and “badge of honor” – the best thing to do is just get up and leave! Even if it you’ve got to make up an excuse like going to the loo – just disappear!
People are such jerks. I feel for you!
That guy was using the whole “I thought you were a strong woman” line as an excuse to belittle you!
ARGHH! I’m so mad for you! People make me mad!
Now, you know what the next question is….What is…oh, never mind!
PS Anita Marie – I felt the same way when I encountered this jerk off last Friday. In fact, I’m still feeling ugly. So I know what you mean.
I’m going to put on a video game and kill some bad guys for Max.
That whole I thought you were strong I thought you were clever thing is easy to fall for. Everyone wants approval. Everyone wants admiration. So someone pulls that out of the glove box: I will admire you if you can weather my unkindness. It works a lot. It shouldn’t. But it does.
Wait, what was the next question?
“Kill some bad guys for Max.” LOL!
I was thinking about this because of your Friday Stilletto. That and I got sucked into a fight that made me just feel like I had sand bad places.
Sand is very uncomfortable when stuck in places it doesn’t belong!
Squash boy…was that a real person or an expression? I know, I wasn’t supposed to ask!
A real person I do not remember his name I just call him Squash Boy.
Max, you always have the best advice and never have any trouble taking the high road.
Two golden rules in this house, and it goes for everyone: No name calling, no hitting. And there are no exceptions.
Another. If you are going to say something about someone in this house, it better be a good thing. Saying bad things about each other is useless.
You give me an awful lot of credit, Kitty. I have nose dived off that high road a few times.
There’s a high road?
I can’t help but rattle like a snake when agitated.
I rattle too, AJ and frequently have to be told where to find the high road or when to get on it.
Oh like anyone who has agitated you is still living, AJ.
AJ has access to euthanasia, I think.
AJ is pretty smart, I would not want to rile her. Riled up smart people are lethal.
Oh boy, I’m such a dumb ass! I confused AJ with trenchy!
[I think I would pay money to see the AJ and Trench expressions when they read that.]
What? I like AJ’s pics.
I bet. You are so on ignore.
[stomping around in a jealous rage]
I think this is a guy thing.
Men are socialized to be competitive and insult each other for fun. Women are socialized to avoid conflict. You see more obnoxious guy behavior in male-dominated fields than you do elsewhere.
Squash Boy probably thought he was treating you like one of the guys. Squash Boy needs to learn how to talk to women if he ever wants to get laid. I’m just sayin’.
As for “My women friends are strong clever women who can take it,” it’s sexist to assume that women who have managed to adapt to stereotypically male competitive sparring patterns are smarter than women who’d rather not play. Bzzt, thanks for playing, dude, you lose.
Well, it is a stupid thing, that is for sure.
It’s called “Negging”. It became popular with the book “The Game” by Neil Strauss.
The theory is that pretty women hear complements all the time so giving them one only makes the guy look like a desperate loser.
Pretty women don’t get criticized so (in theory) negging makes the male appear as more of a challenge to the women.
It comes down to, “The bigger the asshole, the more women like you” train of thought.
That is pretty lame.
[It is also seriously inaccurate hit any website talking about actresses and look at how hard they are getting hated on for anything from being too thin to being too fat to wearing too much make up to not putting on make up to go get the paper out of the driveway pretty people get lots and lots of hate.]