why i want to be a super hero
I wrote this in 2001 when I was living in Seattle motherhood uncensored said something about super heroes in a comment about the incredible flying girl and I always liked this and pulled it out for here.
I have to throw away my favorite jeans. Throwing away favorite clothes is really hard for me. I have a girl friend who used to call just to ask if I had thrown away the Howard Hughes Boots. [I had favorite boots held together with duct tape. I still miss those boots.] She had it on her calendar. “Second Tuesday, call Max and make her give up the boots.” Also she would stare really hard at my lucky T-shirt. Which one day disintegrated. I do not know how that works but one day I put my lucky T-shirt on and poof it was not a T-shirt any more it was a cotton necklace. And now my favorite jeans. Like the lucky T, I put those jeans on and poof one cheek was gone. How does this happen?
Those jeans fit too. Losing those is a tragedy. No other jeans of mine fit. Now I have to find new jeans or wander Belltown being “The girl with dogs whose pants do not fit.” [Um, my pants, not the dogs’ — the dogs usually do not wear pants, those sassy risk takers.]
Meanwhile I have been getting real interesting responses to “How Not To Write A Personal Ad.” One woman hunted up a man for me and sent us photos of each other. He was cute, too, but he is in Tacoma which is three hours from here and I do not think he will be writing. A friend scolded [I am not kidding, scolded] me for mocking guys who put up personal photos of themselves wearing sunglasses when I am wearing sunglasses in the Thoughts photo. [Um, hello, “Thoughts” is not a personal ad.] Someone else wrote me there is a cute carpenter I should talk to right away and sent me his email address. This is funny to me and I am cracking up but the emergency right now is jeans so this episode of Thoughts is —
Why I Want To Be A Super Hero:
Super heroes get to wear clothes usually reserved for Mardis Gras festivals and rock star videos and nobody even thinks this is odd. Even villagers, who you would think would not be accustomed to women in leather mini-skirts and iron brassieres do not bat an eye.
Nobody recognizes super heroes out of costume ever so you can sneak to the corner drug store in sweats with bed hair and the cute guy you have a crush on who [it is a law of the universe] will for sure visit the drug store if you are there in sweats with bed hair will not recognize you too.
All super hero jewelry has secret powers. Especially super hero tiaras. Those have the best secret powers and you get to wear them every day. Yay!
White looks good on super heroes even during pms swings. Also super heroes can wear white all year long. No more troublesome Labor Day dilemmas.
Super heroes can hit bad guys and nobody ever presses charges or discusses it on national talk shows.
Cute men in uniform obsess about super heroes all the time.
Ugly men in uniform obsess about super heroes all the time.
Ugly men in uniform are always bad guys so you do not have to go out with those ones.
Telemarketers never call on the Super Hero Phone.
Super hero heels do not break during chases. Or ever at all.
Super heroes get to wear patent leather whenever they want and even bad sewing looks good on patent leather.
When your super hero stockings run nobody ever says “Oh you have a run” and it looks good on you.
Super hero blue jeans never ever go poof.