why i want to be a super hero
I wrote this in 2001 when I was living in Seattle motherhood uncensored said something about super heroes in a comment about the incredible flying girl and I always liked this and pulled it out for here.
I have to throw away my favorite jeans. Throwing away favorite clothes is really hard for me. I have a girl friend who used to call just to ask if I had thrown away the Howard Hughes Boots. [I had favorite boots held together with duct tape. I still miss those boots.] She had it on her calendar. “Second Tuesday, call Max and make her give up the boots.” Also she would stare really hard at my lucky T-shirt. Which one day disintegrated. I do not know how that works but one day I put my lucky T-shirt on and poof it was not a T-shirt any more it was a cotton necklace. And now my favorite jeans. Like the lucky T, I put those jeans on and poof one cheek was gone. How does this happen?
Those jeans fit too. Losing those is a tragedy. No other jeans of mine fit. Now I have to find new jeans or wander Belltown being “The girl with dogs whose pants do not fit.” [Um, my pants, not the dogs’ — the dogs usually do not wear pants, those sassy risk takers.]
Meanwhile I have been getting real interesting responses to “How Not To Write A Personal Ad.” One woman hunted up a man for me and sent us photos of each other. He was cute, too, but he is in Tacoma which is three hours from here and I do not think he will be writing. A friend scolded [I am not kidding, scolded] me for mocking guys who put up personal photos of themselves wearing sunglasses when I am wearing sunglasses in the Thoughts photo. [Um, hello, “Thoughts” is not a personal ad.] Someone else wrote me there is a cute carpenter I should talk to right away and sent me his email address. This is funny to me and I am cracking up but the emergency right now is jeans so this episode of Thoughts is —
Why I Want To Be A Super Hero:
Super heroes get to wear clothes usually reserved for Mardis Gras festivals and rock star videos and nobody even thinks this is odd. Even villagers, who you would think would not be accustomed to women in leather mini-skirts and iron brassieres do not bat an eye.
Nobody recognizes super heroes out of costume ever so you can sneak to the corner drug store in sweats with bed hair and the cute guy you have a crush on who [it is a law of the universe] will for sure visit the drug store if you are there in sweats with bed hair will not recognize you too.
All super hero jewelry has secret powers. Especially super hero tiaras. Those have the best secret powers and you get to wear them every day. Yay!
White looks good on super heroes even during pms swings. Also super heroes can wear white all year long. No more troublesome Labor Day dilemmas.
Super heroes can hit bad guys and nobody ever presses charges or discusses it on national talk shows.
Cute men in uniform obsess about super heroes all the time.
Ugly men in uniform obsess about super heroes all the time.
Ugly men in uniform are always bad guys so you do not have to go out with those ones.
Telemarketers never call on the Super Hero Phone.
Super hero heels do not break during chases. Or ever at all.
Super heroes get to wear patent leather whenever they want and even bad sewing looks good on patent leather.
Twirling does not make super heroes dizzy ever it just means a new and exciting outfit is on the way. Yay!
When your super hero stockings run nobody ever says “Oh you have a run” and it looks good on you.
Super hero blue jeans never ever go poof.
33 Responses to why i want to be a super hero
All your writing is very funny. Very well written, but very very mean and certainly not who I am.
Please, your not really doing a public service
I wouldn’t do it you…please
Hey Max!
I read your blog just before I take in the morning News.
That way I’ve got a sense of humor about me before some issue or event tries to eat my brain.
So guess what…you are a Super Hero
Plus you a GREAT writer
Your Newest Fan
Anita Marie
( from the burbs of Seattle!)
I have those jeans, too! Well, had… they seemed to vanish into thin air one day. :(
For some of your Super-Hero reasons, I wanted to be a Rock-Star. Patent leather, costume-like clothes, secret powers (I believe Jimi Hendrix did magic with that guitar), cute guys obsessed with you… Hmmm… are Rock-Stars Super-Heroes? hahahaha
Thanks, Anita. Wow, beating the headlines? That rocks.
Last, oh no you too? Those fickle fickle jeans.
Daniel, there there, not everyone can write a good personal ad, you keep trying.
Oh, man. I knew I missed my calling!
Fortunately, I like cotton necklaces and jeans with only one ass cheek in them. The key, Max, is versatility. hehe Thanks for another great laugh!
Adams, you know my jeans are dying. I told you recently. I can’t help but hold hope that maybe, just maybe, they will pull through for another year. There are two holes in the knees, rips in the legs and now a, um, crutch hole. Sigh.
Daniel begging you not to write something he obviously reads and finds funny totally amused me by the way. It reminds me of some kids that play board games and say “I hate this game” while playing it.
Uh oh. You were okay with the two holes in the knees and rips in the legs but… better light a candle for those jeans.
… you better do a hard drive back up.
Wait. Not candles. Um. Um. Take those jeans to confession.
What would your superhero name be?
Date Girl. A super hero is so needed to avert bad date disaster.
Interesting.
“DATE GIRL! Able to alleviate tedious conversation with a single joke. Searching the world high and low for skirts stuck in panties and spinach between teeth. Constantly fighting the evil doers of the world who “expect something” the first night out. Turning the bland and offensive into personable and polite with a single tilt of her tiara. It’s DATE GIRL!”
You can totally run with that character. Could be fun.
Oh I did I created Date Girl she is the hero in a comic book I outlined five years ago. I have not picked it up in a while. Some day I should. It is a real fun comic.
Max:
Would you be a DC or Marvel superhero?
P.S.
And don’t forget: always use your powers for good . . .
r.
Oh these days I would probably be a Dark Horse comic.
I have this old pair of Paris Kitty Sugar Shoes (flip flops) with rhinestones that are broken, beaten, and damned.
The rhinestones rip at my pants hems and the soles are so flat I’ll probably have hell to pay with back trouble one day.
You’d be a great Date Girl Superhero.
and the best bit…superheros don’t fall out of bed and give themselves black eyes! Hehehehe!
I can think of a few places you could use your superpowers for the good of woman kind…say no more.
Oh not me that is Porkchop Girl, Uncensored, she is two doors down but she is never home she is too busy.
Think of all you could do [besides wear cool clothes] if you were a superhero…. like saving Mirco from a burning building
Boys do not want to marry super heroes, Michele, boys want to be super heroes. That is why super hero girls are incognito. Boys do not marry girls who can bench press them.
True – their loss.
According to Christopher Hitchens, a Vanity Fair writer, boys don’t want to marry girls who are funny either. [Actually, he contends that women aren’t funny anyway] –
http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2007/01/hitchens200701
That would be the Vanity Fair that published the 1995 article “The Writers” under a photo of 18 paunchy middle aged white guys smoking cigars and slugging back scotch? The Vanity Fair that, doing an article on Hollywood executives, dug up a photo of the only female executive in town at the time, Sherry Lansing, in a bathing suit, while all the guy executives were shown in power suits? That Vanity Fair?
I do not read that [good old boy] publication.
oooH, I hate Christopher Hitchens. What a pompous blowhard. Ever notice how guys that can’t get laid constantly find ways to try to make women look bad? Someone needs to stick a pin in him and let all the air out.
Max, I think you are an icognito super hero. That’s why you know so much about it.
Shhh.
I do not like Hitchens either – especially after reading that article.
Max, I just read your How Not To Write A Personals ad. Hilarious!
Baseball cap? Not just bald but too lazy to comb his hair if he has any. Plus he’ll be consumed with the latest game on tv. Serial killer quotes? Too much Court TV but better than the sports enthusiast/bald/lazy guy. Mama’s boy? Norman Bates. I’m fun and my body is too? What he means is he wants to have fun with your dead body.
See how all of these things link together? You’re onto something. I smell it!
You’ve got to ad, Don’t post photos up with the other woman cut out!
You need to write another series of How Not To Write A Personal Ad – for women!
PS Date Girl is good.
Some of the best personals were in The Stranger, an alternative Seattle newspaper. You had to read them to believe them though and I am not creative enough to do them justice recreating them here.
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I wish I was a super hero