white wedding

callaSo Valentine’s Day has me thinking about this whole relationship and marriage thing. I decided one time that arranged marriages are really the way to go. I mean, your parents know you. They watched you grow up. They know your background and history. They are not embroiled in a romance you have incautiously gotten yourself ensnared in so off their heads. They are objective observers.

[Okay just kidding about that objective thing.]

I told my step-dad about this and that he should get cracking on the arranged marriage thing right away.

I talk to my step-dad about this stuff because he is the guy who does Dad stuff. Like when I was really sick in Seattle and asked for help for the first time in my adult life my step-dad showed up. Mr. Adams on the other hand called my cell phone six months later and when I answered said, “Oh. You’re not dead.” [Mr. Adams is only really good in a fight, he likes fights bunches, but the nurturing thing? Not so much.]

So I tell my step-dad to get cracking on this arranged marriage thing.

He says no prob, just let him get through this fourth divorce he is in the middle of and he will get right to it.

[Everyone is a comedian.]

I considered bringing it up with my mother. But the last time I saw her, she suggested I get spruced and mosey into town during a Hells Angels convention because those boys must be financially solvent they can afford motorcycles and also she saw one of them taking photos of seals he must be a nice boy.

Mom would marry me off to a Hells Angel in a second.

Step-Dad is too busy marrying and divorcing to get someone else married.

And Mr. Adams only calls at bi-yearly intervals to find out if I am dead yet or if there are any good fights.

This is so not what I had in mind.

26 Responses to white wedding

  1. You know, Kate and I’d be willing to test drive a few potential mates for you.

    We’re good like that.

  2. max

    No way. By the time you and Kate got done the guy would be a sub wearing a clerical collar.

  3. You say that like it’s a bad thing…

  4. max

    Subs are not my thing.

  5. Oh, white weddings are expensive. This could be stalling step dad. Tell step dad to just cut you a check and send you a cute husband. Then send him a souvenir wedding photo from the French Riviera.

  6. max

    Like I could do a wedding that put those people in the same enclosed space. I do not want to be responsible for an international incident here. It is elope city or bust.

  7. aj

    Weddings are most fun when they are someone elses. If I were you, I’d just go to weddings and peruse the “menu”.

  8. White wedding is beautiful…

  9. Oh putting them in an enclosed space could be interesting. For the guests. And it would be so fun to watch you walk down the aisle [hint, hint]

  10. max

    “Interesting” is one way to put it.

  11. My advice:

    I didn’t wear white to my wedding-my family already thought it was funny I was going through with the ritual at all.

    I didn’t NEED to give them anything else to snicker at during my ‘big moment ”

    I’m still married to the same guy after 17 years. Just over a half dozen of my friends and family got married within that time frame too and my cousin and her husband are still together.

    She didn’t wear white either…the rest did- hmmmm

  12. I think you need a matchmaker auntie or neighbor.

  13. max

    Any family member who laughs at you at your wedding needs to be spanked, and not in a fun way, Anita.

    Mocha, I dunno, I think maybe I will just cling to my childhood fantasies about knights in shining armor and happy endings. The devil I know and all that. [wry smile]

  14. Oh heck Max- even I laughed a little- I mean I went from a motorcyle riding lead guitarist to an instant Mom ( My Husband was a single Father so yes Virginia there are some Knights in Shining Armour out there ) and I had no idea that when a nine year old walked up to you and said ” You’ve ruined my life ” I was SUPPOSE to look disturbed.

    I wasn’t suppose to look around and say, ” like I haven’t heard THAT one before”.


  15. Well thanks for the heads up, Anita.

    I hear those little suckers don’t come with instruction manuals.


  16. Mine Do…I am VERY big on magic markers.


  17. max

    Wow. Nine year olds are very dramatic.

  18. Yeah, it lasts until they’re 80.

  19. max

    Good to know.

    *note to self, avoid men with children

  20. Oh, screw marriage. Go out, get a younger man, and screw THAT.

    (Trust me, my advice is better than your mum’s).

  21. PS And with less baggage! (Those Harleys are heavy, you know).

  22. max

    LOL — your advice is way better than my mother’s.

  23. Mother may know best, but nothing beats an internet friend!

    (Ok. so I’ve got an ulterior motive – just waitin’ for that next sordid story)!

  24. max

    LOL — I have bunches. I will have to dust them off and figure out which I think is funnest.

  25. Put them all up – we’ll take a vote!

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