So Valentine’s Day has me thinking about this whole relationship and marriage thing. I decided one time that arranged marriages are really the way to go. I mean, your parents know you. They watched you grow up. They know your background and history. They are not embroiled in a romance you have incautiously gotten yourself ensnared in so off their heads. They are objective observers.
[Okay just kidding about that objective thing.]
I told my step-dad about this and that he should get cracking on the arranged marriage thing right away.
I talk to my step-dad about this stuff because he is the guy who does Dad stuff. Like when I was really sick in Seattle and asked for help for the first time in my adult life my step-dad showed up. Mr. Adams on the other hand called my cell phone six months later and when I answered said, “Oh. You’re not dead.” [Mr. Adams is only really good in a fight, he likes fights bunches, but the nurturing thing? Not so much.]
So I tell my step-dad to get cracking on this arranged marriage thing.
He says no prob, just let him get through this fourth divorce he is in the middle of and he will get right to it.
[Everyone is a comedian.]
I considered bringing it up with my mother. But the last time I saw her, she suggested I get spruced and mosey into town during a Hells Angels convention because those boys must be financially solvent they can afford motorcycles and also she saw one of them taking photos of seals he must be a nice boy.
Mom would marry me off to a Hells Angel in a second.
Step-Dad is too busy marrying and divorcing to get someone else married.
And Mr. Adams only calls at bi-yearly intervals to find out if I am dead yet or if there are any good fights.
This is so not what I had in mind.