when frosting attacks
So one day I decided to make this friend a cake.
It was for her birthday. I was making the cake because I was flat broke and making a cake seemed like a less expensive way to go than buying a cake. Also I still was operating under the illusion — with no scientific proof — I might be able to cook. German chocolate is my favorite so I decided it had to be German chocolate cake. And I found a cook book and assembled some bowls and pans and set out to make a cake.
The cake turned out okay enough. Okay, it was lopsided and sort of leaned and had bumps, but that is what knives are for, leveling out cakes gone astray and who would notice after the frosting was on, right?
It was the frosting where things started to go bad. It started with the ingredients. The recipe called for sugar. There was no sugar around, but there was confectioner’s sugar. I thought, Oh well sugar is sugar, right? [Do not ask me why confectiner’s sugar was around I have no idea.] And dumped some powderey white sugar into the mix.
Unfortunately, confectioner’s sugar stays sort of really pale white in frosting mix, and has sort of the wrong consistency. So the stuff I was stirring up had a sort of glutinous gooey consistency that was not very festive and also it was starting to look a little gray. I added coconut stuff but that did not help. It just got bigger. I thought, hmm, maybe a little bit of food coloring would help out. So I added a little food coloring. [Also known as egg dye.] That resulted in a sort of sickly yellowish cast to the gray. Not what I was going for. I tried adding a little blue to darken it up. Now it was turning sort of green. That would not work. In desperation I threw in some red. Now, it was sort of lavender gray. Uh oh.
Meanwhile, the consistency was getting worse. I am not sure why. Maybe because I threw in more confectioner’s sugar to try to make it less gooey. Which did not help. Now it was just starting to fight back. I thought maybe I had better go get some real sugar and just double the recipe and maybe that would save the frosting. So I went to the store and got some real sugar and a few other ingredients I had maybe been a little too liberal interpreting and threw them in —
It was getting bigger and sort of did not fit in the bowl anymore so I got a bigger bowl and it all turns into sort of a blur after that, throwing things into this bowl and stirring in a mad cap attempt to make this frosting take on some recognizable form that might even look or behave like frosting and it kept getting bigger and bigger and now it required a bigger bowl and pretty soon I had this bowl it took two arms to hold full of this glowing lavenderey-grey mass that did not look like frosting and also looked sort of ominous and hungry.
Clearly it was not going to go on a birthday cake and clearly it was too menacing to just put in a garbage can it looked like maybe it had twitched there and what if kids or animals went past that garbage can and it got out and grabbed them or something? Anything that could grow at this rate was obviously dangerous. Also there was a dog in the yard who might be at risk I could not leave this stuff out near the yard it might be able to crawl.
There was only one thing to do. I took the creature that was supposed to be frosting out behind the apartment and got a shovel and buried it. I had to dig pretty deep too, that thing looked like if it was not buried deep enough it might get out and get the dog.
My friend got cupcakes for her birthday. Um, store bought cupcakes.
And I made sure to check back a few times and sprinkle holy water on that spot. Just to be sure.
29 Responses to when frosting attacks
Instead Max thought she’d poison the earth.
“So I went to the store and got some real sugar…”
Um, don’t you think you should have done that in the first place?
Ok, fess up. What were you smoking that day?
You know, that’s the sort of recipe you should be feeding your annoying neighbors.
“Um, don’t you think you should have done that in the first place?”
Way to sound like my mother, Stil. Quit it.
{{{Eek!!}}}
Trust me, you’d much rather I sound like YOUR mother than mine.
Didn’t we once upon a time talk about switching ?
I thought we were going to be each other’s alibis. I am so confused.
Say is there anyway to get delinked from a topic on a blog someone has abandoned that now is getting spammed to kingdom come? It is just spam spam spam in the topics there and since I have a comment in one of those topics it keeps pinging my list of comments. Sehr annoying.
I don’t know. Let me drink some more wine for clarity.
Cakes are wicked things, and frosting should only ever be a measure of last resort.
Well now I just get frosting in the little container at the grocery store.
Now I am totally craving German choc cake too.
“So I added a little food coloring. [Also known as egg dye.] That resulted in a sort of sickly yellowish cast to the gray. Not what I was going for. I tried adding a little blue to darken it up. Now it was turning sort of green. That would not work. In desperation I threw in some red. Now, it was sort of lavender gray.” –
This cracks me up.
Cripes, what is up with WordPress? Comments keep dissappearing and reappearing here.
I don’t know anyone who’s ever tried to make their own frosting. Sounds awfully hardcore. At least you went down swinging for the fences.
Eddie, frosting is relatively easy to make and tastes SO much better than the stuff on the shelf.
Says the woman not on the EPA’s most wanted list for frosting crimes.
Why do I see a Night of the Living Dead moment happening with your backyard frosting disaster?
BTW, this is another apt complex, right?
I hope no one sun bathes over it…
Oh it is nowhere near here. Probably eons from now some life form will dig it up and study it and decide it was some form of religious ritual burying bad frosting.
“Bad Frosting.”
He was a German chocolate cake looking for some romance. She was a screwed-up pile of ingredients wanting to be loved. What might have been something extraordinary turned into something best buried in the back yard.
Tagline: “When love goes bad, is the frosting far behind?”
store bought cake :: $2.99
store bought frosting :: $1.49
eggs and oil to finish out the cake :: less than $5
::
not having to explain the cthulu-esque demonspawn roiling in your mixing bowl :: priceless!
cake mix. store bought cake mix. d’oh! (or would that be d’ough!?)
Okay, so now I know why there is a photo of max next to the sugar aisle with a “do not let this woman buy ingredients here” sign up.
[we are sooooo soul mates]
I love that you buried it. That totally cracked me up.
*Sniggers*
You know the last thing the world will hear before the lights go out will be someone saying desperately ‘Perhaps if we try a bigger bowl…’
You didn’t swear at it enough. All cooking spells require copious amounts of bad language to work properly.
Max, The great cake experiment! Oh I laughed but then again I relate to the story. I want a cupcake now……
For some odd reason, this reminds me of the endless times my mother attempted to make the cream cheese frosting for a red velvet cake, prior to learning that you’re not supposed to use metal utensils during the preparation (apparently, the ingredients are very temperature sensitive, and tend to not blend consistently when metal is involved).
oh my fucking god this is just what i needed to read this morning. hysterical.
thanks for the grin and by the way…
beware of geeks bearing gifts. particularly cake.
It had to be buried. Returning it to its native soil was a last ditch effort to put it to rest.
Sol, I may have sworn too much, something made it alive.
“…it looked like maybe it had twitched there and what if kids or animals went past that garbage can and it got out and grabbed them or something?”
This cracked me up. Great post.
Thanks, Rob. Wow I have not seen you in an age.
That would be why the strawberry souflee (I’ve tried spelling that three times already and enough is enough) upped and rolled out the door that time then. I did wonder.
“Bad Frosting.”
He was a German chocolate cake looking for some romance. She was a screwed-up pile of ingredients wanting to be loved. What might have been something extraordinary turned into something best buried in the back yard.
Tagline: “When love goes bad, is the frosting far behind?”
HAHAHAHA!
I love it!
Screwed up pile of ingredients wanting to be loved…oh my! Sounds familiar…(sniff)