when frosting attacks
It was for her birthday. I was making the cake because I was flat broke and making a cake seemed like a less expensive way to go than buying a cake. Also I still was operating under the illusion — with no scientific proof — I might be able to cook. German chocolate is my favorite so I decided it had to be German chocolate cake. And I found a cook book and assembled some bowls and pans and set out to make a cake.
The cake turned out okay enough. Okay, it was lopsided and sort of leaned and had bumps, but that is what knives are for, leveling out cakes gone astray and who would notice after the frosting was on, right?
It was the frosting where things started to go bad. It started with the ingredients. The recipe called for sugar. There was no sugar around, but there was confectioner’s sugar. I thought, Oh well sugar is sugar, right? [Do not ask me why confectiner’s sugar was around I have no idea.] And dumped some powderey white sugar into the mix.
Unfortunately, confectioner’s sugar stays sort of really pale white in frosting mix, and has sort of the wrong consistency. So the stuff I was stirring up had a sort of glutinous gooey consistency that was not very festive and also it was starting to look a little gray. I added coconut stuff but that did not help. It just got bigger. I thought, hmm, maybe a little bit of food coloring would help out. So I added a little food coloring. [Also known as egg dye.] That resulted in a sort of sickly yellowish cast to the gray. Not what I was going for. I tried adding a little blue to darken it up. Now it was turning sort of green. That would not work. In desperation I threw in some red. Now, it was sort of lavender gray. Uh oh.
Meanwhile, the consistency was getting worse. I am not sure why. Maybe because I threw in more confectioner’s sugar to try to make it less gooey. Which did not help. Now it was just starting to fight back. I thought maybe I had better go get some real sugar and just double the recipe and maybe that would save the frosting. So I went to the store and got some real sugar and a few other ingredients I had maybe been a little too liberal interpreting and threw them in —
It was getting bigger and sort of did not fit in the bowl anymore so I got a bigger bowl and it all turns into sort of a blur after that, throwing things into this bowl and stirring in a mad cap attempt to make this frosting take on some recognizable form that might even look or behave like frosting and it kept getting bigger and bigger and now it required a bigger bowl and pretty soon I had this bowl it took two arms to hold full of this glowing lavenderey-grey mass that did not look like frosting and also looked sort of ominous and hungry.
Clearly it was not going to go on a birthday cake and clearly it was too menacing to just put in a garbage can it looked like maybe it had twitched there and what if kids or animals went past that garbage can and it got out and grabbed them or something? Anything that could grow at this rate was obviously dangerous. Also there was a dog in the yard who might be at risk I could not leave this stuff out near the yard it might be able to crawl.
There was only one thing to do. I took the creature that was supposed to be frosting out behind the apartment and got a shovel and buried it. I had to dig pretty deep too, that thing looked like if it was not buried deep enough it might get out and get the dog.
My friend got cupcakes for her birthday. Um, store bought cupcakes.
And I made sure to check back a few times and sprinkle holy water on that spot. Just to be sure.