victoria's secret day

stockingsUsually on Victoria’s Secret Day —

I see the new VS catalog in the mailbox, shout Yay!, and throw myself into a well lit spot to spend the next half hour window shopping the new catalog. It is not about buying anything, really. It is about playing imaginary dress up. And imaginary dress up is fun.

And then there are days like today. When I see those beautiful half clothed women on the cover — none of whom, clearly, have ever had cramps in their lives — and all I can think is —

That is not funny.


62 Responses to victoria’s secret day

  1. After I read this all I can think of is the two times in my life when I ended up in the emergency room and I was just glad to be wearing underwear that wasn’t dyed blue from my less then careful homemaking skills in the laundry department.

    And you’re right- none of those models have ever had cramps because they’re not entirely human- their Moms maybe flesh and blood but their daddies are those guys that airbrush those catalog pictures.

    Now that is funny.

  2. I’m sure many of them have issues as we all do…besides, as Anita says, do you know how much of that stuff is airbrushed?

  3. max

    Today’s VS catalog is sitting in a place of shame under an ottoman and it is going to stay there till it learns manners and stops mocking my pain too.

  4. Then pull out your favorite Sharpie Pens and get to it Max- poor yourself your favorite beverage find yourself some high-cal junk food and get artistic all over that Catalog…trust me it works


  5. max

    No way. I will regret it later when I feel better and want to play dress up again. It is better off under the ottoman.

  6. Mock your pain? What are you feeling so bad for? Do you have a special visitor right now?

  7. max

    That is such a funny way of putting it.

    Please send Advil.

  8. That is how my trainer put it except he said special friend. I never quite heard it that way either. I thought it was funny and made a mental note to use it. Lucky for me it was sooner than later.

    Forget the Advil – overrated – I’ve got narcotics!

  9. I wonder if women who congregate on blogs can synchronize their special visitors lol

  10. max

    That thought is scary. That could go global.

    This is an evening for getting snarly with the VS catalog, closer with the heating pad that is named Sexy Rugby Player, and imbibing medicinal vodka. It is Friday, damn it.

  11. Oh Aunt flow came to visit….she’s a cold biotch. My sister andI call her names all the time. She deserves it. She’s rude, showing up unannounced sometimes. I like Advil liquid gels the best.
    “medicinal vodka” I have to give that a try.

  12. I’m afraid I don’t have the hystological credentials to participate in this discussion. If the world wants to me to shed blood it has to come in swinging.

  13. Oh, hi AJ. Speak of the devil..heh heh heh

    Advil liquid gels? That sounds good. Sound quick.

  14. max

    Oops. I did not know you were here.

  15. Ok, that is it, Max. I must have a drink. Except I want a good red wine.

    Snuggling with rugby players…did you really name your heating pad?

  16. “If the world wants to me to shed blood it has to come in swinging.”

    Would you prefer the bat au naturale or tweaked? lol

    Oh I’m so sorry.

    I will go sit in a corner.

  17. Oh, apologies – I misinterpreted your sentence to be, “I have to come in swinging.”

  18. max

    Any inanimate object that spends this much intimate time with me has to have a name. So yes, the heating pad is named “Sexy Rugby Player.”

  19. max

    Wait. Back up. Do not go there.

    I so know how your mind works.

  20. So, is Sexy Rugby Player face down tonight? LMAO!

  21. max

    He is not that kind of rugby player. Fresh!

  22. Darn! I thought you’d be stuffing dumplings in your mouth somewhere. Caught!

  23. max

    I ate the shrimp. I am saving the dumplings for later.

  24. Where have I been and what is THAT about?

    Way to go, Victoria’s Secret. So, it’s just about ‘art’ now? Certainly not women.

    You wait, Victoria’s Secret will come to Australia within the next 6 months. Just in time to tighten the screws on a couple of generations of body image horror.

    But, then again, I always stand around like that. I’m holding the pose right now in fact. I look good.

    Man, I really have to get some sleep…

  25. Valium is good. As is a hammer.

    Synchronising cycles, ladies! Ready?

    Damn, I’m always late to the party…

  26. max

    Some things should not be a group activity.

    No synchronizing, jeez.

  27. You’re quite right. I don’t need an early appearance. Any appearance is bad enough…

    Can you imagine? Crikey Moses….

    We wouldn’t need to put up a sign.

  28. max

    “Crikey Moses….”

    That is funny.

    I have a stack of scripts to read, but I think I would not be doing those writers a favor reading those right now.

    Luckily there is a new episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Yay! Now if it would just finish downloading.

  29. I know AJ will threaten to skin me alive if I say one word.

    Anyway, does vodka take away the chocolate cravings? Maybe you should have called this no boys allowed…..except in my family it’s the boys who run off with the VS catalogue and download the fashion show.

  30. max

    I have not seen a force on Planet Earth that can take away chocolate cravings.

  31. max

    Jennifer. You got a WordPress blog and did not say a word. You are so stealthy.

  32. Sulya

    Though I enjoy menstrual euphamism as much as the next gal I also like to lay it on the line sometimes so occasionally when someone happens to ask me why I am doubled over grimacing I just say, “Yeah, that’s because my uterus is trying to leave my body.”

    A bit graphic? Sure. Makes a point though.

    And, if it’s any consolation max, you’re not alone. Advil and wine and this totally awesome pan of brownies and huge pots of incredibly strong English Breakfast tea have more-or-less done the trick…

    Enjoy the sexy rugby player. *sigh*. Sounds dreamy…

  33. max

    Thanks, Sulya. You know I can spot a woman who does not get cramps across a crowded room? They have some sort of hard dyke gym teacher glow that screams “Cramps are for the weak walk it off delicate flower.”

  34. Sulya

    yeah. you pretty much don’t want to meet my sister. it’s not that I’m not goin’ for a laugh with the uterus line it’s the WAY she laughs, you know? She’d never had a cramp until she had a baby…

  35. max

    Oh she is a bad sister. Bad bad sister.

  36. Sulya

    I’m a little sister so your calling her a “bad sister” made me grin in a self-conscious, nervous, naughty way and then feel an almost pathological need to defend her but, I can’t come up with anything to say, except that childbirth is no picnic though, in theory one doesn’t do it every month for 30+ years… So, no. I say “bad bad sister” stands!

    Again with the nervous smile like somehow she’s watching me right now…

    Will I never be free? [smile]

  37. max

    My brother used to say [smugly], I will always be younger than you.

    I used to say, [condescendingly], Yeah, but I will always be smarter and better looking so it works out.

    Poor kid never stayed smug long. Take the smug moments when you can get them. They are few and far between for the younger kid.

  38. “Take the smug moments when you can get them. They are few and far between for the younger kid.”

    Somewhere my sisters are laughing with wild incredulity at that statement.

  39. Sulya

    Is it still “tak[ing] the smug moment” if you say it AFTER you’ve already hung up the phone? Probably not, right? Yeah. I’m going to have to work on that.

    AJ, if I understand the situation, it sounds like you were outnumbered and by women, no less. No matter where you fit in the ranks, you didn’t stand a chance [wink}.

  40. Sulya

    How’s that for smug?

  41. max

    Um, Sulya, tragically no. You have to say it while you are still on the phone or it does not count. [I am laughing so hard. Poor baby sister. I know exactly the laugh your sister used. Bad me.]

    Valliant, you might, just might, be smarter than me. But I am better looking so it works out.


  42. max

    [ps : that was pretty smug, sulya, you are better at this than you think you just are preconditioned by years of older sister domination]

  43. Sulya

    If by “domination” you mean physically pinning me to a sofa and tickling me until I cry, then yes. She’s eleven years older than I am. She went through this phase where she lifted a lot of weights. It got ugly.

    And if by knowing exactly the laugh my sister used you mean entirely without sympathy and full of “aren’t you cute?” then, yes, you’ve got it.

    I suppose being smug with men has never been a problem for me. I’ve noticed it doesn’t always go over so well with a certain sort of man. Men with sisters are usually much more… amenable.

  44. max

    Oh well no, not physical domination. My brother was bigger and stronger than I was practically from the day he was born. You do not have to be bigger and stronger to be dominant. You just have to exhibit no fear and have the right laugh. That works in almost any situation too.

    I was in a car in a parking lot in Houston Texas outside a 7-11 alone with the window down and this guy came up to the car and was going to mess with me, and I was probably in big trouble, but I told that guy he was going to back up and walk away from the car right then or I was going to hurt him, and him and his back up friend believed me and jumped about a foot backwards. Then they got all embarassed and snarly because they realized a 100 pound girl who was supposed to be the victim just scared them, and were sort of sorting out their masculinity and getting belligerant from a distance, when my very big running back boyfriend walked out of the 7-11 and told them they were both about to die and they realized they had an appointment somewhere else they were late for.

    It is never about physical dominance. It is about meaning and believing it. And if you really mean and believe it? The person going up against you is sunk going in.

  45. My sister and I have the same evil laugh so that was a draw for us, Occasonally, I would have to pin her down and blow spit bubbles over her. Let her take on gravity if she thought she was so freakin tuff.

    On the other hand my boss will go, Oh I get it your a bleeder this week. I wish to god he would say this to my face one day. I’ll pin him down and break him. rrrrrrr

    PS. I made a wordpress blog and picked out a rainbow fairy back in January, recently Max reminded me of it.

  46. max

    “Oh I get it your a bleeder this week”

    Um, Jen, we have to kill him now. No man is allowed to make a statement that crass to a woman. It just cannot be.

  47. I have plotted his death many many times.

  48. There is some good stuff here. I’m going to have to re read later.

  49. Max, what a great description of intimidation in action. I would bow in admiration, but I fear you would knee me in the nose when I wasn’t looking.

    Not that it’s any consolation, but the airbrushed VS models might as well be completely computer generated. They have no personality, no flaws, no humanity… a blow-up doll is cheaper.

  50. Sulya

    I think my sister’s domination over me has everything to do with A) as we’ve already discussed, her being older and me loving her blind from when I was tiny and B) that her world has less grey in it than mine. She is VERY sure of herself, sure she’s on the right path, doing the right thing that there IS a “Right way” and a “Wrong way”. There are absolutes in my life but not as many as there are in hers so until I figured out how to talk to her without agreeing with her, without EVER saying any version of “uncle” she had me over a barrel every time.

    It’s still not easy though because some part of me, inside, still wants her approval even when I DON’T agree with her, even when I don’t approve of her… It’s powerful stuff, sibling stuff.

    That she could single arm-curl 30-35lbs for a while there, just didn’t help.

  51. Sulya

    Jennifer, your boss needs a serious attitude adjustment. Count me in the posse should you ever form one. Why am I thinking I’d be Lily Tomlin in 9 to 5 somehow?

  52. max

    Firm, you are too nice to knee in the nose. That would only happen if you made a bad pun while bowing and it gave me a seizure and that would be an accident and not on purpose kneeing of the nose.

  53. That is somehow comforting to me. Just for that, no pun.

  54. max

    Oh you silver tongued devil.

  55. Good thing you’re not a peroxide blonde. If you were, the chemical reaction would make somebody steamed.

    (Note: As a personal favor to you, I’m not going to get all geeky and provide a link to the James Bond rocket-belt contraptions that utilize this reaction for propulsion.)

  56. max

    Good thing for you it is an odd hour for me and while I am sure some pun is in there, it is zinging over my head.

  57. Max is a natural blonde? Really?

    There are only so few of those in the world, it seems…

  58. max

    Not me. Bleach is my friend.

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