top 10 self centered bizarre things people ask for




To 10 Self Centered Bizarre Things People Ask For
[And Why That Ain’t Gonna Happen]

Let’s preface this with a recent Twitter exchange:

@jeannevb: Wow. Some people really are self-absorbed idiots. Warning: Karma WILL get you. #speechless

@CelluloidBlonde: RT @jeannevb: Wow. Some people really are self-absorbed idiots. || Dammit I said I was sorry, Jeanne! :::scamper:::

@jeannevb: @CelluloidBlonde haha I was talking about my email inbox. #Holyfuckola you should see the things ppl ask of me *headdesk*

@CelluloidBlonde: @jeannevb That’s a blog post: Top ten self centered bizarre things people ask for.

@CelluloidBlonde: @jeannevb [And why that ain’t gonna happen]

@jeannevb: @CelluloidBlonde OMG yes!

@romimoondi: I would love to read this, pls & thx “@CelluloidBlonde: @jeannevb That’s a blog post: Top ten self centered bizarre things people ask for.”

Okay… here’s one. The other nine are up to you guys…. See that comments section below? Go. Now. And post.

Now here’s the most recent one I got:

I got email from a woman that opened up with the joys of being a “mommy.” I wasn’t sure why she was writing me about the joys of being a mommy — did she wish to impregnate me? — till she got to the “here’s where Max fits in” part.

I fit into mommy joys because I could build a private writing class for just her and schedule it and my time around her “mommy” schedule.

Great plan, yes?

Okay here is why that is not a great plan and is not going to happen.

1: I can’t afford to build a private class for one individual at a time. Especially not if it includes a “mommy discount.”

2: Childless though I may be, I do have a pretty hefty schedule of my own being a writer, a teacher, and running a business. That workload and schedule does not evaporate when someone drops “mommy” into the conversation.

3: This is a personal foible, but I find it generally annoying when adult women refer to themselves in childlike terms like “mommy” instead of “mother” when speaking to other adults like, um, me.

I explained this was not going to happen. I am pretty sure her take away from the conversation was there is something wrong with me.


Your turn… we need at least nine more here to make me not a liar for the post title. Go!



where the cartoon comes from:
that is from


15 Responses to top 10 self centered bizarre things people ask for

  1. My experience of inappropriate behavior from a self-centered “actor” who has a sense of entitlement to others’ film projects. Even though his message is not extreme rudeness but putting down fellow acting talent in my province to build oneself up is a no-no to me. Here is a Facebook message I received from the “actor” in March 2009:

    “As one of the hardest working grips around, I also work hard to improve my acting abilities. I’ve been seeking a dramatic film role for a long time. For the role of Kevin, I’m the right age, I’ve lost a lot of weight so I can pass as athletic, but as for the height, I know it’s cinematic pleasing to the eye if the man is taller than the leading lady, but what I’ve got going for me is that I know what you’re looking for in a performance and I know I would have on camera chemistry with Line*.

    James Dean: “Can you measure talent in inches?” It’s nothing an apple box can’t fix hehe

    Love to be on the crew if not cast, but it would literally pain me to see a dumbass actor give only half the performance I’m capable of. With a theater background, I would know my lines inside out and could perform minor grip work (i.e carry/pack equipment for location changes). Two for the price of one!”

    *Actress in my film

  2. “Make my life story but leave the embarrassing/aka good parts out, okay?”

    A ‘producer’ had a pet project about a real life person. He had never made a movie before but wanted to finance a movie about a musician in Austin. He wanted somebody to write the guy’s life story so they could make it into a movie. There were two problems with his plan. ONE: [stop me if you’ve heard this before] He didn’t want to pay for the script because the movie was going to make so much money I’d get rich off the backend if I just had faith. TWO: After reading my sample script he called me, all confused. This wasn’t the kind of thing he wanted, because it had, like, a story, and action, and stuff. He couldn’t have that. If he included that kind of stuff, the musician’s wife would get mad. Because she evidently didn’t know what kind of ‘story’ stuff the guy had been up to during the years.

  3. I had a guy write to me and ask in, in complete sincerity, if I minded if he took a previous screenplay of mine that he had read and loved and adapted it. I had to scratch my head on that one, and ask what “adapted” it meant, since typically that’s a reference for altering a book into a screenplay, but hey, this was already a screenplay. No no, he said, he meant that he wanted to rewrite it and simply fix it. He’d loved it, and thought it could get made if he fixed it.

    He was very very lucky he lived a long long long way away from me. After I pointed that out to him, I explained, to his shock, that no, he could not simply rewrite and then sell my script (even if he was going to “split the money” with me) because a) I owned it and (b) he was already proving himself an idiot and a novice, and no way in hell was I going to let him adapt it. I then warned him that I was going to have his name on a permanent google-search so that if he did ever manage to sell a film, I’d be going over said script to make sure it wasn’t mine. Because he did not want to see the wrath that I would unleash.

    I may have mentioned, in no particular order, bayous, an affinity for guns, and how well bodies could be hidden.

  4. Okay I don’t have anything as good as your post about a private writing class to help out a “mommy” (!!) or the comments above, but my requests come from teenagers and they tend to all have the same flavour. It originates at a free reading site with a generally young audience, where my first full novel is posted for free (as a gateway drug to get readers to buy books 2 and 3—I think I just compared writing books to being a drug dealer), and I’ll get these wonderfully enthusiastic teens who read free stories on the site, and get inspired to write a novel of their own. I think that’s great, I mean it’s better than having them play video games or “sext” each other all day (I know I sound a hundred years old as I write this).

    It starts with a simple request for advice, but quickly mushrooms into wanting to know immediately as in RIGHT NOW how to write a novel. No but really, can’t I just tell them exactly what they should do to write a novel and make it good?

    Now it’s been two days and I haven’t responded to the request that answers ALL questions about writing an amazing novel (yeah, please someone tell me when they have all that figured out); why is it taking me so long to respond? Did I receive the email? If I received it shouldn’t I have read it by now? What’s taking so long?

    I try to help the aspiring teen writer relax, by telling her that sure, I’ve been writing stuff since I was 17, but I didn’t write an actual novel until I was 28 (and it definitely wasn’t my best).

    She tells me she needs to be successful NOW, because she won’t have time to figure all that out when she’s old and has a “real life.”

    Well…I am currently still using the “I was the out of the country for six months and I’m really behind on my emails” excuse.

  5. I generally don’t tell people I’m a writer because of such strange/self-centered requests. One co-worker of mine pitched me an idea for a script based on his little boy who loved wearing his Spiderman outfit while doing nice things for other people. The proud parent generously offered me a 50/50 split of the profits. It’s funny how these types get angry when you point out that the writer should get 90 to 95 percent of the profits since he or she would be doing all the actual work of creating the story.

  6. Toni, I’ve had the same thing happen to me regarding “rewriting” one of my story ideas. He wrote, “I absolutely love that idea… can I write it myself?” My response? “Um… no. This is why I make it publicly known I’m a third-degree black belt… so I can kick scumbag assholes like you in the neck.” He has never been heard from again.

    Then today, I receive an email from someone who read a post I wrote in which he decided to leave notes on my story idea. He now wants to be paid and to get credit for his thoughts and thinks I will “collaborate” with him on the entire story going forward. Really? *cracks knuckles* Go ahead, make my day.

    Or there’s the guy who begs and begs me to read his script and give him feedback. After months, he wears me down, and I agree. I read it twice, send an email, scribble notes in the margins, and even mail the printed script to him with all my feedback included. Five hours of my life, I give him. He then tweets out that I am mean… and he cried.

    Or there’s the person who constantly asks me to tweet out their articles, and when I tire of being their pimp master, I recommend they pay it forward and help promote someone else for a change. Their response? “I don’t have time for that.”

    Hence why I tweeted this morning about self-absorbed idiots.

  7. Well my favorite is one I get at least every other week… I’m sure we’re ALL familiar with it:

    Yo… Came up with an awesome idea for a

    Really? Good for you.

    Yeah! Figured you could write it up and we
    could split the money!

    What’s it about? (my first mistake)

    About an alien who comes to earth. Kinda
    mean. The opposite of ET.

    And? (my second mistake)


    What happens next? (my third mistake)

    You’re the writer. Come up with somethin’.

    And we split the money?

    Right down the middle. When do you think
    you can write somethin’ up?

    That’s not a story.

    Okay, sixty-forty. How long does it take to get

    Depends on how long it takes to figure out
    a fuckin’ story.

    Seventy-thirty then and a credit.

    You should write it up yourself… Don’t really
    have the time.

    You sure? We could make a fuckin’ killing on

    Sorry. Way too busy with my own stories.

    You’re not just trying to steal my idea are ya?

    And so it goes… LOL.



  8. Max

    Whoah, we might make ten here. [smile]

  9. I’m currently studying screenwriting through UCLA and I am lovin’ the responses from well meaning friends and family regarding my education:

    1). At least you’re not studying something difficult, like science.

    2). Hey, can you get your prof to look at my screenplay? (the file is in a word document)

    3). Don’t write me into your plays, honey. (my mom – every time I see her).

    4). Are you gonna write a sad movie? I hate sad movies. There’s so much sadness already in the world. Write something happy.

    5). Everyone in your life all of a sudden wants to be a screenwriter because apparently it’s “super easy and all ya gotta do is sit at your laptop and write and go on Twitter.”

    I listen. Then I write. And rewrite.

  10. This wasn’t lately (thankyajesus)…and I may have already shared it…but I don’t mind the recounting if you don’t. I once met with a producer who requested the meeting because he “loved my script” and wanted to “talk to me about optioning it.” It was the script that won me my Nicholl Fellowship…a sweet, some have said poignant, coming-of-age story about an 11-year-old boy set (uh…on purpose!) in 1964 St. Louis. Mr. Producer said all the right things, charmed and flattered me to no end, and said he “absolutely” wanted to option and make this movie. There was only one little thing…he needed me to set it in present time and make the lead character a Ninja. I said no. He COULD NOT BELIEVE I said no. He called me for weeks afterward trying to talk me in to it. Kept my integrity, but I can’t help but notice that I haven’t had much of a career. Hmmm.

  11. Yep. People whether or not they know you want you to write their story for them, write about them or they want to collaborate (still, you write it).

  12. Max

    I do not remember hearing the ninja story before. That is hilarious.

  13. Does dead silence count? Dead silence after being pressured to read and provide feedback on a screenplay – which had some great scenes but some logical inconsistencies, a little off structure. As a Nicholl script, I’d guess it would score high sixties, low seventies. Anyway, good enough to be worth spending some time on, and a friend of a friend — so I put in the work. Carefully phrased feedback, complimentary but sincere, and some reasonable sketched out fixes for the issues, backed up with examples – the works. Stuff one might pay pretty well for. The kind of feedback I would love to get. The response? Deafening silence. Apparently what was wanted was: This is amazing and perfect and let me call my agent for you…

  14. Max

    Dead silence totally counts.

  15. Just came across a Facebook status update made yesterday from the self-centered “actor” I mentioned earlier this month:

    “insert thoughtful status that’s irrelevant to everyone else…”

    Then he responded to himself:

    “who am I kidding… some are even over my head and I wrote them!”

    Oh yes what a way to alienate your FB friends by assuming you are above everyone else.

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