the wrong apology

You can always tell whether someone is apologizing for their own behavior. 

When people are apologizing for their behavior, their apology starts with “I’m sorry I….” 

When they aren’t, the apology starts with “I’m sorry YOU….”

“I’m sorry there’s something wrong with YOU that I have no responsibility for.”

It’s a faux apology. 

My parents when I was growing up were masters of faux apologies. Never apologizing for things they did that hurt me. Always and only apologizing for something being wrong with me. “I’m sorry your emotions are messed up — that’s something wrong with you not something wrong with my behavior toward you.”

When I was a kid, I used to just watch this. When you’re a kid, you’re dependent on these people for food and shelter and safety. It’s not in your best interests to hit back or point out maybe there’s something off about that faux apology. There will be repercussions.

I’m not a kid any more. And there are still repercussions. And fears. “If I push back, they won’t love me any more” is a big one. But there’s a point where you have to acknowledge that love bought with silence and tolerance for bad behavior and gaslighting that always say it’s you, not them — maybe that isn’t love.