the virgin survey
Okay I know what you thought when you saw “virgin survey.” [Pervo!] “Virgin” there just means “brand new never taken before” survey. [Pervo!]
From the authors: There are no answers here yet because we just WROTE this. That’s how good we are. [“We” there is the ever lovely Miss Rachael Black and her partner in crime TK.] Be good friends and reply and if the Fates smile upon you we shall answer this in kind.
Peace and Prozac,
Rachael and Terry
THE VIRGIN SURVEY
1. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Fuck Tootsie Pop I want the Reeses.
2. Leather or ropes?
Silk ties are better.
3. You have plenty of booze in the house but no ice. It’s 100F . Do you A) Drive to the store half-drunk for supplies B) Send your teenage daughter with no license for a bag C) Call a drunken friend to the party and tell them to bring ice D) All of the above because you can never have too much ice.
Um. Problem. The teenager with no license stole the car.
4. You’re at a party. Brittany Spears comes on over the stereo. What do you do?
Oh I see. This is going to be a cruel and unusual survey. [Um, you think I would recognize a Brittany song? Really?]
5. Fucking flies.
What is the plane fucking flies Alex?
6. The guests at your impromptu BBQ are spilling shit everywhere, pole dancing, and breaking lamps. What do you do?
Check their wallets for cash. What? They are drunk they will not notice.
7. You’re on a second date. The first date went wonderfully. Your partner turns out to be a psycho. No really. On ALL levels. Your response?
This is why all building codes require a window or vent shaft in all bathrooms.
8. How lame are you? Really. A guy/gal calls you for a date and you’re not into it. Are you talked into the date anyway?
Tragically the historical record says yes. Then I postpone. Then I postpone again. Ultimately if forced I will send a funeral invitation. Most guys do not continue pursuing you if they think you are a corpse. Um. Most.
9. How many Facebook users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fifty-two. One to screw the light bulb in, one to snap and post the photo — and fifty to share it. [This number goes up geometrically if Number One is drunk and in a compromising position.]
10. Nasty picture of old flames?
Sorry I mailed those to his mother.
11. Death Panel or Blue Shield?
Cake please.
12. Small children: Pain in the ass or food source?
Surely you saw Oliver Twist. Those little bastards are earners.
13. KY or Kama Sutra?
I assume you are not referring to Kentucky there?
14. Sean Connery or Trebek’s mother for $200
I am a little short of cash I had better go with Connery.
15. Sports or Wine?
You say that like drinking is not a sport.
16. They call me A) Ahab B) Arab C) Johnson.
Not if they want to live they don’t.
17. People honestly think that you’re a celebrity. What do you do?
Not laughing is usually Plan A.
18. Could you kill someone?
As soon as I find out who talked we are going to double test this portion of the exam.
19. Ever have sex with someone out of pity?
Wow this could go so wrong. Um. Define “pity”?
20. Does God love you?
You always know how high you are on God’s favorites list by just how hard he kicks you around. So far the Jews have me beat. Something about some holocaust thing. Cheaters!
21. Follower or Leader?
Did you bring silk ties?
22. Hider or Seeker?
Is this before or after I empty the pole dancing barbeque guests’ wallets?
23. Your mom just told you that your sister is only your half-sister. After 40 years. Do you A) go to Disneyland B) Say I knew the bitch didn’t belong to this family C) Other. Please explain.
Listen I am still holding out for “You are adopted and not related to any of these people.” [Way to crush a dream Facebook Survey.]
24. What is love to you?
Love Story flashback ahhhh! [You asked that to totally screw with the film majors right?]
25. Cats or dogs? No, to be eaten by.
Am I dead first? This is going to seriously make a huge difference.
0 Responses to the virgin survey
You rock Max. #8 made me fall off the chair. Ask Der Kommissar
xoxoxox
~R
LOL — I am totally checking with Der Kommissar too. I am all suspicious like that.
Razor wit. I’d be afraid to be alone in a room with you.
i haven’t laughed this hard in a while. thanks.
Jeez, one guy is afraid of me and one is laughing at me. I have so got to work on my response from men.
Razor sharp indeed! So sharp I’m afraid to tell you this but – save the peanut butter cups for cold weather. Editor claims the heat fosters the natural larvae in peanuts to hatch. (As a sidenote chocolate contains tons of bugs).
{{{Ducking}}}
Oh no you didn’t! You cast aspersions on Reeses? Blasphemer!
You could lure me back into the room with peanut butter cups.
You know I do not easily share Reeses Doug but I will try to mend my selfish ways.