the new miss r survey
It is a new Miss R Survey. Yay! Yay! Yay!
[Thank God. I was running out of clever things to say.]
Miss R’s New and Im-Fucking-Proved Survey
1. If you were to kill a man, horror movie style, which kitchen utensil would you use?
The flame thrower. [Hey, you barbeque, I flame throw. Get over it.]
2. Did you ever swallow a coin?
No. What do I look like a supermarket pony?
3. What was the worst gift you’ve ever received?
The plaid lunchbox.
4. What is your most embarrassing childhood memory?
That would be when my mother made me swim in my underwear and another kid pointed and yelled, Mom, that girl is swimming in her underwear with no top!
5. How many kids do you want?
I only do over eighteen.
6. Whats your mom’s middle name?
“She Who Will Destroy Her Children.”
7. Have you ever operated a fire extinguisher?
Does it have to be on or does bludgeoning count?
8. Worst car you ever had to drive and why?
Linda’s truck. That truck’s doors kept swinging open on the curves and it was a real curvey road — hey contrary to popular opinion down shifting on a turn in a truck with a questionable steering train going in while holding the door shut so it does not take out oncoming motorists is not as easy at it looks.
Inserting random equine
mit shoes shot
to maintain visual interestingness —>
9. Who do you hate?
The poor. Damn them.
10. What do you hope to have accomplished by the end of this year?
Can I get back to you? Say around December 31st?
11. Do you have any reallllly crazy relatives?
Insanity does not run in my family, it performs high speed chases.
12. Did you ever wake up under the influence of NyQuil, completely unable to move?
Oh like anyone would take NyQuil when there are so many really fun drugs on the market.
13. Are you feeling nostalgic right now?
Not for NyQuil.
14. Did you own a Lite-Brite?
No. I spent a bitter deprived childhood. [What is a Lite Brite again?]
15. Can you dive?
Last dive I took was straight off the bed onto concrete. That count smart ass?
16. Do you own a mouthpiece for anything?
Do tooth bleach trays count?
18. Have you ever used a pogo stick?
Yes but again I have to ask if bludgeoning counts.
19. Who was the most creative bum you’ve ever met, trying to get some money from you?
Oddly, I did not get his name. Maybe next time.
20. Whats your favorite Jelly Belly jelly bean flavor?
What the hell is a jelly belly jelly what?
21. Favorite food you CRAVE?
22. When was the last time you pulled lint out of your bellybutton?
We from my planet do not have belly buttons you nimrod but I keep all lint in the dryer like God intended.
23. Did you ever use someone else’s toothbrush?
Questions about brushing under the influence should really not count.
24. Do you REALLY floss everyday?
Only in the tabloids.
Going back for the
random equine mit shoes
shot — hey we had the
pony for the day —>
25. What is your favorite cologne/perfume you always wear?
Chanel No. 22. A more important fact might be I am allergic to Nonoxynol–9.
26. If you were on Double Dare, would you take the physical challenge?
What the fuck is double dare?
27. What’s the largest living organism that you killed?
Say, are you a cop?
28. Did you ever take a lighting bug and smear its guts on your arm so you could get a cool glowing effect like war paint?
No. You sick fuck.
29. What’s the best toy you’ve ever gotten in a McDonalds happy meal?
Like Lite-Brite, Happy Meals is one of those childhood items that passed over me.
30. if you could be anywhere in the world doing anything right now what would it be?
I am not telling but it would involve a cat collar and Transformer underoos.
31. Can you juggle?
32. How do you feel right now?
Pretty much like you could come up with a better question here.
33. Do you remember that square candy bar called “Chunky”?
No but I remember that square kid in school called Chunky. And I am not being metaphoric there. That kid was shaped like a block.
34. Predict the length of the next Peter Jackson movie.
Who cares if Viggo is in it it is all good.
35. What was your favorite toy as a kid?
Coal really worked for me.
36. Are you willing to go the distance?
Depends. What color are his eyes?
37. Did you answer question 17?
No and you cannot make me.
The pony is barricaded in his trailer talking to his agent — no more random equine shots for you.