the geat date essay


Okay, the Essay Date Contest.

I am not sure whether this is the result of the writing community being one of the most bloodless passionless communities in the Stripes [holy fuck are you people even related to me?] or there just being way too many wannabe writers out there who should cast their nets wider, like, um, IRS agent or accountant maybe —

[Just kidding IRS agents, you rock, please do not audit me.]

[Just kidding accountants, please do not burn my tax docs.]

[Not really kidding writers, wtf?]

But, the date essays are problematic.

A few high points so far —



“I don’t do essays but I’m a fun guy.”

[Whoa, I am convinced. Where is the fun part again?]

“You’re a much better and more successful writer than I am, so you’d feel good about yourself all night.”

[Um. I’d like to feel good about my date.]

“My dear sweet Mama, now departed, always hoped ….”

[When did bringing up your mother become a good approach to getting a date?]

“Max, pick me and I’ll wear the school girl uniform!”

[This is an awards banquet not a bondage party.]

“Was on twitter for only a few days when I read you had gotten some porn, so I immediately cancelled my account and my Droid so the ‘powers that be’ would not make it look like I sent it.”

[I do not sit up nights trying to figure out who porned me on Twitter — who are you again? — but porn sure is the first subject I mention when looking for a date.]

“I entered a couple of screenplays in the Nicholl contest this year but didn’t have much luck (chuckling).”

[What a coincidence. I entered a script in Nicholl and won. Clearly we have a lot in common.]

“As awesome as it would to attend the ceremony, it’d also be invaluable to talk to YOU.”

[Wow I am so useful to you. I totally feel pretty now.]

“I bcc’d my work address, the attachments work fine.”

[Nice. Um. What about essay and photo was not clear?]

“I’m on really good anti-depressents these days.”

[Cool. Do you have a safe word in case you turn into a Summer Glau killing machine?]


Nothing personal gentlemen but Mom, porn, anti-depressants and cross dressing? Seriously?


where the art work comes from :
that is by cinema cowgirl

0 Responses to the geat date essay

  1. Seriously? I hope that this wasn’t the cream of the crop.

  2. max

    One week to go before cut off.

  3. Hey, even Jayne when faced with a beautiful woman (oh, wait, that was two beautiful women) could only mutter “I’ll be in my bunk.”

    Judging from that and my own somewhat inarticulate but very manly man, maybe you should take the worst essay.

  4. oh, max. I am rolling. I shouldn’t be, because this is sad, but I just imagined a “Date Max” reality TV show. Kinda like Survivor, but with really gorgeous shoes. ;)

  5. the “this” in that sentence referred to the entrants’ essays, not the dating part. Because obviously, the dating part is the perk. ;)

  6. max

    Whoa, I might have watched Survivor if it had had pretty shoes. Genius!

    “I’ll be in my bunk” is way more quotable than “Hey Baby I have a screenwriting blog.”

  7. nothings

    “I’ll be in my bunk… posting to my screenwriting blog.”

  8. max

    Both hands on the keyboard.

  9. I say you take a fireman.

  10. max

    Good plan. There is a firehouse a few blocks away. Hmm.

  11. See, that way if anything, or anyone…spontaneously combusts, you’re covered. Plus, they are required to be able to carry people in a pinch, which would be really helpful in the case of a flash flood. Either way the weather breaks, you are guaranteed chivalry.

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