the definition of love
The definition of love.
He told me, “Things that would normally be annoying to me are enchanting and perversely endearing to me when done by her.”
That worked for me for two weeks.
Then she dumped him.
where the art work comes from :
that is forbidden fruit from from neverletmego
17 Responses to the definition of love
Huh? I thought that was a really elegant definition.
It is- I just wanted to see what would happen if I said “tasars” and ‘love’ in the same place.
There goes love chat. Sheesh.
It was so pretty until you said you dumped him. Oh I mean “she.”
Ohhhh Love Stuff.
I loved my boyfriend more then I loved my solitude-
So I married him.
“I loved my boyfriend more then I loved my solitude – ”
Wow that is an excellent reason to marry.
Stil, that was not me, that was someone else. It was kind of sad because one week this guy is pouring his heart out to me about how much he loves this girl and the next time I see her, he is out of the picture. It made me sad.
I liked being alone- and frankly I didn’t see myself ever settling down.
Strange how one person can do that to another- you know, change them like that.
The sweet ones always get dumped, unfortunately.
I attribute your friend’s definition of love to “love-alchemy”, a fairly common occurrence where in the haze of new love one turns irritation into pleasure in one’s head. And in every observable instance I have encountered, “Love-alchemy” falters with the longevity of the relationship, with ongoing exposure to that other person, with ongoing to exposure to love.
And the more magical one’s thinking in the beginning, the harder the fall when the relationship progresses. The connection deepens so that all the surface stuff no longer gets magical treamtment because there are bigger more beautiful things to engage you with each other and that’s when the little irritating things become irritating.
I also believe that, in love especially, we want to be accepted for who we are – we want to be KNOWN – and I’ve yet to meet a person (myself included) who is not annoying in one way or another. If someone performs love-alchemy on all my niggly habits and negative “stuff” then do they really know ME? Can they really be in love with ME?
Ultimately, in any relationship I know which has lasted (including the really healthy ones) annoyances are simply annoyances. One’s partner does something annoying. One is annoyed. That simple.
The difference between the healthy couples I know and the less-than-healthy ones I know is how they deal with the annoyances and the best techniques I’ve ever seen are all humour and ‘silly’ based. Hissing at each other like geese. Throwing pillows. I think I even read a story where a couple had a jar they each had to put money in when they did something that annoyed the other person and there was no argument allowed – if your partner found you annoying then, on faith that they have a right to feel that way and you should have known better, the money goes in. The money then went to a nice night out together…
It would seem to me that the key is not to try to turn annoyance into something pleasurable. I mean I’ve heard people say things like “Even the way she burps is cute” and I wait – not very long I might add – for this same smitten person to publicly say something like, “Oh, would you stop pretending you don’t burp like a normal human being for god’s sake!”
I’m all for the joys of new love but I think the key to lasting love is the acceptance that one will be annoyed but that you will have found someone who will be able to laugh with you until you are no longer annoyed.
Someone who knows you. Someone who knows you and loves you as much in spite of your lousy qualities as because of your specatcular ones.
I suppose it isn’t very romantic. But honest to god, it sounds like heaven to me.
[I also love your line Anita-Marie about loving him more than your solitude. It’s beautiful.]
He was also this 6’3″ totally handsome collegiate hockey player ON A SCHOLARSHIP. Not a hockey scholarship either. A “this kid is smart give him the money” scholarship. He was dating outside his social stratosphere though and was never going to fit into the family empire. Tragedy.
I think when little things become real irritating it is a sign big things are wrong no one wants to talk about out loud.
Absolutely, and that you’ve lost all your tools for coping with those little things because there are big things wrong…
20 years into my marriage I find that real love is not about pretending my husband is someone he is not but rather about seeing him from his best angle. I could focus on his faults, the things he does that are annoying but I’d rather he didn’t do that to me.
I love it when I can tell he sees me as my best self. And I know he loves it when I see him as his best self. I don’t think his burps are cute (although once he had me rolling on the floor as he burped “Holy Mary, mother of God” in one long belch) but the man’s middle name is competent. There is almost nothing from falling a tree to getting a car out of ditch he can’t do. So I see him as competent and funny and I try not to stare unblinkingly at the less wonderful aspects of his personality.
You know, how someone sees me is huge to me. It does not have to be always flawless or always beautiful. [Though that would be nice, tragically I am not always flawless or beautiful. Damn. It.] But it does in some way have to at least resemble me. And how I always know what other people see — I always know, when someone takes a photo of me, exactly who and what they see — or want to see. There is something about a camera. Cameras lie like ninjas, do not let anyone tell you different. And photos people take always show you how and what they see. Like that photo Bri took of me. I maybe do not look glamorous or flawless there, I look kind of goofy to me, but that expression is all me and I know when Bri looks at me, boy howdy he definitely sees me. [In all my dubious glory. Blast it.]
That is sometimes the best description of friend. Someone who actually sees you. Not a glorified or prettied up or edited or modified version of you. You. And still likes you. And boy, anyone who is your lover had better also be your friend.
When I meet Luis’ co-workers or friends for the first time ( he works with a lot of different Community Activist groups ) I’m always surprised how much about me these people know already- like they have questions about my writing, or work….stuff like that-even little things about where I’ve traveled.
It took me awhile to realize they know so much about me before I meet them because Luis talks about me.
Plus…he’s willing to get out of bed at three in the morning to let MY cat…outside.
And he doesn’t even get upset.
Holy fuck. Anita. He gets out of bed at 3 am to let your cat out?
Marry that guy.
Oh. Wait. Smart girl. You did.
I am trying to remember if anyone boyfriend related has ever known much or anything about me — enough to ask questions. It is kind of complex. I will have to think about that. I never thought about it before.