stale mate


she’s thereI caught —

The ginormous bug. I threw a collander over it. Then I stacked books on the collander.

It was trying to lift the collander to escape.

It was winning.

I wonder if those books are heavy enough.

I have nothing large flat and sturdy enough to slide under the collander to transport Ginormo outside.

Now we are stuck.

The ginormous bug under the collander [and books].

And me, only partially clothed — this makes trips outside problematic — wondering how to get Ginormo outside.

I so need the power of Kym’s husband. He could handle Ginormo in a second.

I so do not want to know where Ginormo has been hiding —

Or what he has been doing.


Stale mate is over.

Ginormo won.

The little bastard lifted the collander [and books] and got out.

Then I fought him with a broom to keep him from making it to the bed.

Now I think he is in the bathroom. I am not sure.

After I hockey pucked him down the hall he dissappeared.

Um. Help.


where the art work comes from :
that is she’s there by le freedom hater

44 Responses to stale mate

  1. chuckle. i could send you roscoe. He’d know what to do to….unnnn….with that bug.

    g’morning Max

  2. max

    Wow. You get up early.

    Jeez do not laugh. The last one of these I caught, it was a serious fight to hold it in a container till I could get it to the parking lot and the last I saw of it it was bench pressing a small Volkswagon. Bugs like these are supposed to only exist in Louisiana and Texas. Someone must be doing nuclear experiments nearby.

  3. I hope you find that creature again. We once had a mouse in the house that ran behind the full wall-length bookcase. We never saw it again. Husband asked me to stand guard until it came out – yeah, right.

  4. max

    Next time, I am just opening the big glass doors and hockey jousting it into the horizon. It has draconian wings. Surely it can fly. Hopefully I can get the doors shut faster than it can turn and attack.

  5. Maybe it got out the same way it came in?

  6. max

    It is not out. It is still here. Waiting. I am in terrible danger.

    Sorry, Serenity flash back.

  7. I’ll send you Insanity.
    He won’t stand for this!

  8. max

    Saved by Insanity Jones. Yay!

  9. Kym

    I’d offer to send my husband but the partially clothed Max might be a little too distracting for him. He is great with bugs but susceptible to pretty women in distress.

  10. max

    I have snow pants. Send help.

  11. brut

    How to catch that bug? With a bat… no, not that kind of bat silly. Go down to the local firehouse and pick out an interesting fireman. Say (sotto voce) “Would you please help me?”
    NOW… bat those lashes and lead him home with you.
    End of bug story.
    Now, don’t forget to thank him profusely. (Unless you prefer the lights on)

  12. the first three hours of my day were spent contempating the idea of a scantily clad Max. The next 6 hours were spent broasting in 94 degree heat on top of a foundry with no shade in sight.
    Strange, the first three hours seemed hotter.

    find your bug, Max?

  13. max

    No. Ginormo is hiding. I will not find him till he comes out again.

  14. any clue as the type of bug? Is it possible this is a bug that likes to eat small mammals, say, about max size?

  15. max

    It is three inches long, about an inch tall, has wings which may or may not be vestigial, and wears combat boots.

  16. the worlds largest flying army ant? or the smallest buzzard?

    that’s kind of a scrawny bug. I could send you a couple of 6″ praying mantis’s to chow on the little feller.

  17. max

    Are you kidding? This thing lifted a collander with books stacked on top of it. Books. It can bench press books.

  18. breathe deeply and back away from the fruity pebbles.

    its a bug max adams. Merely a bug.

    i’m sorry…i laughed so hard at bench press books, i should at least be sympathetuc to your plight.

  19. max

    This is not merely a bug. This is THE bug. It is probably practising krav magda right now.

  20. my praying mantis has an entire martial arts technique designed on him.. That little martial arts fad bug wants noe of it

    or (my bug can beat up your bug)

  21. You really need a digital camera! Zach could probably identify this ginormo, he’s a fan of buggin with ruud. You need a bird, they don’t play with their food.

  22. max

    Jen, the last thing I am thinking when Ginormo makes an appearance is grab a camera, what is top o’ the list is, Oh God, what can I reach fast that is big enough to contain that thing.

  23. Eddie

    I feel your pain, Max. In this one apartment I lived in during my college days, I used to hear noises at night, and after a few unsuccessful attempts of sneakery into the kitchen, I finally switched the lights on quick enough to see a mouse run beneath the counter. My roommate didn’t believe me, but a couple of nights later, I managed to capture the critter using a broom and a mason jar. I put the lid on tight, poked a tiny hole on top, and left the jar on top of the counter as evidence for the next morning. When the sun came up and I went to proudly show my roommate my catch, the jar was empty.

    I told roommate there must be others and they are working together. My roommate said I must be crazy. The glue traps I put out that night proved me sane, but I always felt guilty about that. As ugly and vile as the critters were, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for them stuck in the glue traps as I chucked them into the dumpster. Except for the one that chewed off its own leg to escape and was on the lam for another week. That was a very Tommy Lee Jones in US Marshals moment. So keep your eyes open and a stick handy, and go for the kill next time. Our thoughts are with you.

    Sorry about the long comment.

  24. I am not making this up. Three nights ago, I saw a couple of spiders in here, and I really hate spiders, but I can track them and kill them. I am not one of these rescue and release people when it comes to spiders. So they get past me and I am frustrated, and I tell Carl, who sprays for the spiders. Okay, I think, all is good. So the next night (last night), I was working late and out of the corner of my eye, I see movement in my office. I look up in time to see a mouse. A rather big mouse and I am suddenly wide awake and it is me vs. the mouse, and the mouse wins. He gets away, and I see where he goes up into a floorboard space I did not even know existed (and I have been in this house 9 years), and at that point, I have chased him and I am ticked off. So I go find the traps and I line the entrance of this place with traps. This mouse cannot get back into my house without crossing a trap. I do not feel the least bit guilty about this. So I am taking a bath tonight and I look up and in my bathroom, there is a frog. A frog that is bigger than the mouse which was bigger than the spider. I cannot fathom how a frog not only got into the house, but all the way to the back of the house where the master bathroom is. (Past the dog and the cat, who are fairly useless critter hunters.)(Obviously.)

    I told my husband that if the next critter is bigger than the mouse, I will be in the hotel down the street.

    If y’all don’t hear from me, send help.

    (Max, when that sucker bench pressed the books, he could have had the apartment at that point, if it had been me in there.)

  25. Well, I was going to suggest the bug vacuum but I think Gimnormo would turn the thing around on you.

  26. I stand on chairs and scream at spiders. B stands on chairs and screams at mice. So it’s agood thing all we’ve ever had to contend with was cockroaches and I don’t feel at all worried about squishing, poisoning, or setting the flamethrower on them.

  27. max

    Ginormo is too big to do the vaccuum or attempted squish thing. The day he first appeared I grabbed a container, approached him, and had one of those Jaws moments, looking at him, looking at the container: We are going to need a bigger boat.

    Sol I have such a bad history with spiders. I have been attacked and bitten by those things more times. There is one rule here. Spiders outside, Max inside. Any spider that violates that rule dies.

  28. but a spider would whack ginormo for you, and then you could whack the spider…it’s morning

    whacking is the first response

    g’morning max adams

  29. max

    That is either a very wicked double entendre or you wake up too slow to be thinking what “it’s morning whacking is the first response” might suggest.

  30. it crossed my mind about 5 minutes till morning break

  31. Pingback: Ginormo’s Karmic Revenge « because I said so again, why?

  32. aj

    He’s back.

    This just confirms he is part of the new wave, Max.

  33. max

    Oh jeez. I did not think of that. It could be the same bug. Holy crap.

  34. Kym

    I slipped in here after all the comments because I suppose no one but you will read this, Max.

    Today I sawed the head off a living mouse with a steak knife.

    A mouse has been lurking in the bathroom cabinent and Sleeker, the cat, normally a fierce predator, has eshewed his mousey flesh for the crisper texture of Science Diet.

    Thinking that I, a black belt, could handle this without unneccessary male intrusion, I baited a trap with peanut butter.

    This morning, stumbling bleary eyed into the bathroom at 5am, I heard a rustling from under the sink. I opened the door to a scene from Ratatoullie. The mouse was break dancing. It lay on its back and spun in a nearly perfect circle. At first, I thought it mocked me by flashing its tiny ass unconcerned by my presence. Then with a guilty horror, I realized the poor thing had somehow set off the trap and been whacked (Not pleasantly like CrimminyJicket)and something had broken though somehow the creature was not captured by the trap.

    I found a bowl and a steak knife left on the stairs by my teenagers (anyone with teenagers knows that the stairs are logical repositories for knives and bowls) and flipped the tiny creature into the residue of milk. I knew it was suffering and I had to kill it so I made as short work as the serrated edge of the knife would allow.

    Red swirled in white milk. He struggled for a second and then died.

    I intended to kill him… He was pooping in the toothbrushes for God’s sake…But, I think I need absolution and you and your blog are the closest thing to a priest and a confessional this poor agnostic has.

  35. Kym

    PS Don’t kill Ginormo. The karmic weight is horrible.

  36. max

    Oh jeez, I cannot read that. All after “I sawed the head off….”

    I cannot handle bad animal stories. I am still infracted from Eddie’s beginning story earlier.

  37. Am wanting to screech “flushing mouse down toilet more humane than sawing head off!” but am remembering when Resident Storm Chaser dispatched rat-in-trap to rat-heaven by crushing skull with hoe….

    Um, Max, don’t read that.

  38. brut

    according to Yahoo, Ginormous has been added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.
    be careful Max.
    obviously that bug has friends in high places.

  39. max

    Stop telling stories about killing little mammals. Jeez.

  40. Kym

    Wait, I bared my soul before the Great Priestess Max and she would have none of me. Instead, Pooks sneers.

    I think I need to find absolution elsewhere. Sleeker, the cat, will at least reassure me that mice are born to suffer.

    Here Kitty Kitty.

  41. max

    Stick with the cat. I cannot do bad things happen to little animal stories.

  42. Hey did you know ginormous is now officially in the dictionary?

  43. max

    It is about time.

  44. thats exactly what i said when castigate finally made it

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