rumors of my demise are premature

This is pretty funny. My tombstone, or obituary?

Either way it is going to be one interesting funeral.

max's obituary
what will your obituary say? |

48 Responses to rumors of my demise are premature

  1. Imploringly while trying to recant, Kitty died a tormented death. Kitty will be terribly missed by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

  2. max

    Oh my God. You got the turtles?

    You so rock.

  3. aj

    Quickly with one last shriek, AJ died before telling anyone where they buried their treasure.

    AJ will be terribly missed by Mr. Potatohead.

  4. max

    That is just like you, taking the treasure with.

  5. I knew she found the gold at the end of that rainbow.

    Max, I don’t know if Chuck Norris is the sort of guy to bring flowers to graves. See, he’s so tough, when he jumps in the lake, water doesn’t get on him, Norris gets on the water.

  6. What would you be rampaging about? Noisy neighbors? Inept agents? Traffic? Soggy corn flakes?

  7. She’s still rampaging about me getting her pregnant in that mini-van.

    It’s good for Chuck to show. Unfortunately (as the “Chuck Norris Facts” tell), he never cries.

  8. OK, I am not making this up:

    Tearfully in a hot tub, Firm died laughing hysterically.

    Firm will be terribly missed by the guys at the legion.

  9. max

    Oh well that is just mean. Chuck and I know when I go he is going to cry like a surly baby you non-believers.

  10. tj

    It seems aj and I have some sort of treasure adventure in our future. At least hers was a quick death.

    “finally, after many miserly years, tj died before telling anyone where they buried their treasure.

    tj will be terribly missed by Kid Rock”

  11. Did you know the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain?

    I love Chuck Norris. I watch Texas: Walker Ranger every day when I put on my makeup. It’s such a good wholesome Christian show where the good guys always prevail over redneck evil. Makes me feel squishy inside!

  12. Max got pregnant? Oh my!

    See, this is how rumors fly.

  13. max

    I have always had my suspicions about you and Kid Rock, TJ. This so confirms those.

    Oh jeez, Stilletto, that is all I need. [It was a joke, people.]

  14. “Crazed with gluttony, raincoaster died in the arms of their lover…raincoaster will be terribly missed by a damp sponge nicknamed leaky.”

    I die in the arms of an arm-lover? Kinky, there’s got to be some tentacle link there somewhere.

  15. max

    I dunno, Rain, in some circles, extra appendages is just that much more nose picking.

  16. aj

    “tj will be terribly missed by Kid Rock”

    LOL! That has made my day

  17. I heard this at a funeral once- it’s for real.

    All these guys were in suits and the women were all in black and they all had tattoos.

    Plus they all smelled like Jack Daniels.

    Anyway the Minister did his thing and when he’s done the dead man’s brother gets up walks by the casket, stops to cry for a moment and then he goes up to the podium and says-

    ” Okay, our brother was a son of a bitch and most of us are surprised he died from natural causes instead of a bullet to the brain but damn I’m gonna miss him.”

    That was it- that was the eulogy- probably one of the most honest I’d ever heard.

  18. max

    That is better than fiction. Unless of course you made it up, then it is damn good fiction.

  19. Nope, that was real life in all of it’s glory.
    I’m just glad I was there- moments like that need to go on forever.

  20. max

    Clearly I need to hit more funerals I am missing all the good stuff.

  21. Max, that sounds like one of those phrases that’s never been spoken aloud before, like “hand me that piano.”

  22. “Screamingly in a speeding car, AJ Valliant died while muttering death threats to anyone who would listen.
    AJ Valliant will be terribly missed by damp sponge named leaky.”

    Satisfying, and distubingly on point.

  23. max

    Wow, that sponge Leaky gets around.

  24. After reading through this string all of the sudden I had this image of a life guard working the ” Gene Pool Of Life ” Station and he starts screaming…

    hey you wise asses- yeah- you the Celluloid Blonde Bunch…out of the friggin pool NOW!

    We are so cool.

  25. max

    When I was born, a bad fairy came to the cradle and waving her wand pronounced a curse: Your childhood will be cruel and unusual, your family distant and broken, and you will go alone into this world.

    Following in her footsteps came a good fey, who, waving her wand, pronounced a charm: While you go alone into the world, you will find yourself surrounded by luminous people who will startle and amaze you every day, and you will never, truly, be alone.

  26. Yeah, I’ve got some great people in my life so I guess those little pixies stopped by my place too.

    I mean, even when I WANTED to be left alone some pain in the backside friend of mine would show up and bug me until the pain in my rear moved up to my head but that’s nothing that a little Advil can’t cure- which I make them hand to me.

    Either that or I make them buy me Pez ;-)

  27. max

    Tell the truth. You are all about the Pez.

  28. Okay, Okay, it’s true I DO spend some quality time finding ways to get Pez- I can’t help it.

    Pez are the perfect food.

  29. max

    I have always suspected that avatar is some sort of Pez dispenser from the dark side.

  30. Suddenly at midnight Michele died a tormented death.

    Michele will be missed by the guys at the legion.

  31. max

    Wow. The guys at the legion? You have been stealthy and keeping secrets.

  32. Where do you think I am when I miss chat?

  33. max

    Um, naked and worshipping at the altar of Clay Aiken?

  34. My forehead is in severe pain from trying to pound this visual out of my head.

  35. Firm- I say the alphabet backwards- it hurts a lot less- most of the time

  36. Uhm… ok… what comes after Z?

    This is gonna be tougher than I thought.

  37. At this point you may want to commence with the head pounding…

  38. Max, we had the same childhood fairy. They must be exterminated.

  39. max

    She gets around.

  40. Suddenly at midnight, Stilettos died with a small grimace

    Stilettos will be terribly missed by Prince Charles.

    Weird. They think I’m Princess Di!

  41. max

    I do not think he is missing Di. Maybe Camilla.


  42. True, true. Anyway, I’ve been called Princess but not because of an exceptional regal demeanor…..

    BTW, Leaky and the Fairy both seem to get around. Let’s hook them up.

  43. max

    But, but, but…

    What if they breed?

  44. You’re right. Abort mission. I don’t want to relive another Freddy vs. Jason saga.

  45. Or, rather, their spawn.

  46. Z

    Finally after many miserly years, Z died in the arms of their lover.

    Z will be terribly missed by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

    (I didn’t even tell them my last name.)

    Apparently I am more than one person?

  47. max

    It is an oracle, you cannot fault oracles for grammar.

  48. My grammar was an oracle. So was my gramps, but oddly, he was also a mute.

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