parables from the max files: the men with gold from god



Once upon a time a long long time ago —

Three men were talking to God, and God gave each a bag of gold.

One man’s bag of gold was kind of small.

One man’s bag of gold was medium.

One man’s bag of gold was huge.

And God said, Hey, go out and do what you will but I expect at the end of this set period of time [which I don’t remember] you to come back and report on what you did with this gift of a bag of gold.



[If God is sounding kind of like a loan shark to you there, he did to me too, but the story went on to say God did not go for things like usury so God was an okay guy and it would all work out.]

[This is also when the Sunday school teacher started looking at me real hard a lot if I raised my hand.]

[Back to studio!]



So the three guys go out and one invests the gold, and he loses it all. Ahh!

And the other goes out and invests and gets rich as the Koch Brothers. Yay!

And the last guy, he burries the gold in the ground because it is God’s gold and he doesn’t want to lose it.



Flash forward.



It is report back on the gold day and the guys hook back up with God. And God says, Okay, guys, what did you do with the gold —



[At the time I hear this story, I am suspecting this is going to go very badly for “Lost It All Guy.” But I am wrong. God is not a loan shark in the traditional sense after all.]



So, report back to God time….

“Lost It All Guy” is screwed and knows it. But God taps him first so he says —

[Okay here I would have maybe tried to lie, but “Lost It All Guy” is apparently also “Freakishly Honest Guy” — yet another reason some of these parables are suspect but anyway…]

“Lost It All Guy” says —

“Sorry God, lost it all.”

God forgives him and says, “No worries.”



“Made a Mint Guy” is thinking, “Fuck that! Lost It All Guy, that ain’t fair I made a profit!” But he is not stupid enough to say that to God out loud so says,

“Yo, God, made a mint!”

God says, “Good job.”



“Buried It In The Ground Guy” is thinking he is home free and says, “No worries, God, got it all right here, I have kept it safe!”

And God says, “You are so in trouble, ‘Buried It In The Ground Guy.'”

And “Buried It In The Ground Guy” says, “Whut? Why? I saved your gold, I did not piss it away like ‘Lost God’s Gold Guy’ did why am I in trouble?”



And God says:

Because I gave you a gift to risk and use.

And instead of risking or using it, you buried it in dirt.


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