oh fuck me

Domestic Violence Guy is back. Apparently management in their brilliance relocated him to another loft in the building to remove him from the “I am an uber recording studio jackass” guy to avoid bloodshed and then when the only nice quiet writer guy in the building moved out [gee I wonder why?] relocated him again —


How do I know this?

A familiar voice screaming out the window at people in the street.

I go ask him to not scream out the window. I ask nice too, even though I am probably vibrating with rage and betrayal.

He gets whingy: “What am I supposed to do?”

Hello. Not whinge at me and not scream out the window you punk ass baby man.

I am so out of calm with this.

91 Responses to oh fuck me

  1. OH NO! My heart just skipped a beat as I scanned the first line. Oh, I am so sorry Max.

    Maybe I dialed the wrong hotline. Ouch. :(

  2. Goddamn! If he gets so easily agitated by street people, why doesn’t he find another place, another city, another planet, to move to?

  3. max

    He gets agitated by everything. He could be dropped in Antarctica and he would scream at penguins.

  4. What can be done about this loud beast?

  5. max

    Good question. I have to think about that.

  6. Were I a few thousand miles closer I would stop by and round him out for you. I was raised by a single mother and sisters so I’m little touchy about the whole domestic violence thing. Do you have any decent, but imposing local fellows that can provide a suitable object lesson?

  7. max

    I do not. Come visit.

  8. For a second there I thought I saw your avatar smile.

    AJ, rephrase that question to: Do you have any imposing local fellows or mob connections that can provide a serious ass kicking?

    If she doesn’t, you are sworn to duty. Think of it as a brotherly thing to do.

  9. max

    Jennifer I am afraid to ask how or where or why you had a link for that.

  10. Jennifer, that is hilarious.

    We could also mix up all the pet foods on the Poison list and grind it up into some “Welcome Back to the Hood” meatloaf.

  11. ahhh you are truly a wise one. LOL

  12. Actually, I have an even better idea but this might involve dating him first just to have access to the apartment for an hour.

  13. Max, don’t ask, Jennifer, don’t tell.

  14. Yes! meatloaf night, his ego would let him eat it all up but Max could never serve him….. not even “welcome back to the hood special” Stiletto Girl you’ve got the goods on this guy though…. LOL

  15. A covert operation! One hour alone in the apartment….. OK go on…..

  16. max

    No way. He has a live in too. That is how he got the name Domestic Violence Guy. Screaming obscenities at her and knocking things around.

  17. Just leave it at the front door, that way she doesn’t even have to see his annoying mug. She could buy a card that reads: From your secret admirer.

    Now make sure you buy a new container from the store and wipe all the prints. Make sure no one sees you. Make sure the card is generic enough so that it can’t be traced back to some mom and pop store cuz those people always remember.

  18. I was going to ask about that live in but you didn’t mention her. Hmm.

    At this point I’d just plant some questionable substances in his car and call the tip line lol

  19. Borrow the girlfriends phone to call the tip line…..LOL

  20. max

    I just want to poke him with a cattle prod. Is that assault?

  21. Yes! Pure genius, Jennifer. Dial J for mayhem!

  22. You could say he asked you too prod him. You finally gave in…..

  23. Do you know where she can pick one of those up, too, Jennifer?

  24. Sadly my lack of a current passport precludes a cross continental courtesy call. If you can lure him past the 49th parallel though I’d be glad to provide a visceral lesson in general etiquette.

  25. max

    I would feel dirty luring him.

  26. I feel dirty a lot but you learn to live with it.

  27. I suggest introducing the live in to a much cooler, respectful guy that will win her away from the jackass, and provide him with much needed thrashing. That way you get quiet, she gets a decent fellow, and he gets karmic retribution of several shades.

  28. Stiletto, She’s got friends in Texas.

  29. max

    That is a different kind of dirty Stilletto. This is the feel dirty and not in a fun or good way dirty.

  30. Valliant, what an idealist you are…..besides I’ve gotten through that border with a warrant for my arrest. PS If we knew a guy like that we wouldn’t hand him over to the neighbor, he’d never forgive us. Maybe she’d turn him into a beat too.

  31. The many kinds of dirty…….. keep talking Max.

  32. max

    Wait. Why in that story does the bad weird girlfriend get a nice guy and I end up here still by myself living next to bad weird neighbor guy?

    This story needs another ending.

  33. That’s the dirty I was talking about, too :(

    AJ, you stole my idea. Except I was going to suggest Max introduce the live in to you and then you could kick his ass and then…dump her and then move on to greener pastures.

    I know, it’s not time to joke around. I can sense Max’s frustration. I’d be miserable, too, especially since we were all hoping some hot, studly, virtuous, nice, creative and sweet, cook, clean, and love mom kind of guy would move in. A guy who was endowed. Er, with those qualities.

  34. max

    Mom kind of guy? Wait. Back up. No mom kinds of guys.

  35. max

    Oh, wait, Love Mom. That is different. Never mind.

  36. Yes, love mom but not live with Mom. I think that’s called Norman Bates syndrome.

  37. I am back to the covert operation Have Stilletto Girl, send a nudy thank you card, Thanks for the money and promise to show him more when her new computer and camera is up and running. This will work if she ( roomate) is the main person on the lease, she ( wait she may not have a shred of self esteem) should kick his ass out.

  38. max

    They are business partners and conjoined in some sort of financial and emotional dependence scenario which convinces both of them they need each other while they systematically try to destroy each other. It is very ugly to be next to. And very ugly to have to hear because they do not understand volume so it just rages and pours through the walls.

  39. They leave and Valliant clone moves in.

  40. yuck! They are like goop!

  41. Jennifer, change game plan asap!

    Max, what horrible energy to be next to.

  42. max

    I do not think Stilletto wants to send him nudy pics.

  43. Stiletto? You don’t have to be the real nudy girl. But post mark isn’t in Ca or is it?

  44. Oh I’ll have it sent in from Vegas….. she might even think he’s sneaking over there. ……

  45. Now that’s an idea. Or we could superimpose my face on your naked pics, Jennifer! That sounds like a compromise to me!

  46. Oh actually, no, that stuff will be all over the net.


  47. max

    You guys crack me up.

  48. Sorry, Stiletto just meant as a proxy and not the real you. But I think you are right bad energy and they won’t quit over drama it will only make them strronger.

  49. max

    I think I have to move. It is getting to that breaking point. They are not the only problem. Management is a problem, management should not be playing this game and appeasing whacko guy and parking him on me just because I am the only polite quiet person in this mix.

  50. Yeah, like evil twins souls…….

  51. max

    Yes it does. It is time consuming and costs and they are thieves they will rake me on the deposits. It especially sucks because the location is just right and I love my place. But not so much with this stuff on top of me all the time. Damn. It.

  52. That is too bad Max. You should not have to move because of that asshole.

  53. When I was single and living alone in this nice little complex in the suburbs, my Yuppie neighbors turned out to be stupid drug dealers.

    I got tired of people knocking on my door at all hours ( I was the first door you came too when you walked up ) looking for their- ‘friends’.

    The apartment managers didn’t do a damn thing, my neighbors were wussies and I was a mean 20 something girl.

    So sure, I did the intimidation thing, I did the threat thing, I did the police thing.

    Looking back on it, now I’d just move- extreme actions SUCK and you live with them forever the second thing is no one should feel this stressed out in their own house.

    That’s why we move away from our Parents, right?

    I’d move.

  54. max how about very lout Wagner opera? or the really down thug hip hop? or thumping reggetton?
    or whatever could get this guy all riled up?
    or maybe some really bad incence in front of his apt?

  55. brut

    you have his name and address. just sign him up for every magazine subscription (Martha, O, Elle, Hot Rod all of them and don’t forget the book clubs, etc. eventually the collection agencies will cause him to move.
    (wear gloves and fill out the cards with the other hand)

  56. No way Max! I wouldn’t leave because of him.

    I mean, think about it. What if the next place you move to has the same kind of people? If you love your apartment, I would think of some way to stay.

  57. I vote for Wagner at about 120 dB. That, or Yanni at any volume.

  58. Max- There really isn’t anything you can really do about it. Being an asshole of that magnitude is kinda like being an alcoholic. You’ll never change until you hit rock bottom and then, and only then, will you want to change.

    The dude is going to have to realize how bad his life has become in order to do a little bit of self examination and reflection. Hopefully, that will give him the motivation necessary to change his ways.

    Of course, this probably won’t happen seeing as how he is a codependent, abusive relationship. She’s going to have to leave him if he’s going to change. I’m guessing that won’t happen anytime soon.

    That’s just my thoughts. However, if you want to go the naked picture route with Stiletto and Jennifer, I would be willing to make a sacrifice and do all of the image editing required. It’s the least I can do. HA!

  59. Bad codependency is one of those universal constants that no outside force can overcome.

    The only viable solutions are ones that lessen it’s impact on your life without getting you hopelessly entangled in their mess.

  60. Man oh man. Sorry to hear the monster is back.

  61. max

    Thanks, guys.

    Yeah, that is the thing. Entangled in their mess. Whatever their problems are, those are not my problem but they are making them my problem. I want no part of that. But it is hard to avoid when it comes through the wall at you.

    [Tommy, I am touched you would make such a personal sacrifice for me. I will keep that in mind.]

  62. Max- You are definitely worth the effort. Besides, what can I say, I’m a giver.

  63. Maybe this will help tip the scales one way or the other on the flight thing you were talking about a few posts back where you only like to stay in a place for X amount of time?

  64. max

    Yeah. The trick is Hollywood. I mean, if I move, am I going to end up someplace where some similar weirdness is going down? One place I lived, the landlord used to show up in my bedroom at 7 in the morning waving a gun telling me he was going to kill the gardner. This town attracts some very interesting people. And, you know, crazed men with guns, that is maybe not the time to point out you were sleeping and are not really dressed for receiving company could they come back later and this time maybe knock? Jeez.

  65. My theory is crazy likes good weather.

    If there was a good chance I’d be living on the street at any given moment I know I’d move somewhere without snow.

  66. Crazy doesn’t sound so crazy when you think about it that way.

  67. max

    That makes sense. That is not sane though, that is survival instinct.

  68. I’ve never understood why homeless people in places like NY don’t migrate to somewhere perpetually sunny like Florida

  69. Z

    Is he a big fat 6’7″ half Italian/half Polish guy with a 3″ penis? If so, I dated that guy. He’s trouble. Move now.

  70. max

    LOL — what was your name for that guy? That was such a colorful and descriptive name.

  71. Z

    I think that would be the “3 inch Wonder Dud Pig Fucker Bastard From Hell”

  72. max

    [you are cheating on chat too?, we are so busted]

  73. LOL at Z – Oh, oh shit, oh shit.

    Oh shit! lol

  74. max

    Zee has great L.A. stories. And even better names for the characters. She left. She might be smarter than me.

    Does anyone else wonder sometimes if EngTech is really a cat? I mean, on the computer, no one would know you were a cat, right? It could work.

  75. “Does anyone else wonder sometimes if EngTech is really a cat?”

    He is my best friend and lives down the street from me…and even I’m not sure sometimes. Such is his unknowable grace.

  76. max

    Wow. Unknowable grace and handsome hands. EngTech is a catch.

  77. Max, I grew up close to LA so I know the crazy you speak of. Maybe you should move to Houston so I can have a drinking partner? Rent is crazy cheap out here (I pay $575 for 1000 square feet of fabulous), guns are welcome, and no one looks kindly on a man who is abusive towards the ladies. It’s southern charming without the podunk twang, as most Houston people are transplants from elsewhere. Plus, you get to say “y’all” without irony.

  78. max

    Wow you would make a good drinking buddy too. I have lived in Texas though and cataclysmic things happen to me there — not always bad, but still cataclysmic that state makes me nervous.

  79. That “everything is bigger” thing is an unfortunate misnomer too.

    While I loved California, I’d go back to San Diego before I went back to the LA area. And I don’t know that I’d go back to San Diego permanently either–I don’t think my self esteem can handle it at this point.

  80. max

    The sky is bigger there. The sky in Texas never got dark blue. It always felt like it had to stretch so far to cover Texas it just was too far it could never be deep and always had to be pale.

  81. Your rent is how much for one thousand square feet?

    Oh my god.

    I’m just curious…what would $2300 get you where you live? Marble sinks? Jacuzzi tubs? Man slave? A WHOLE floor? You are so lucky.

  82. Stilleto, $2300 would easily get you a ginormous poshy loft or a snish house in the snish neighbourhood. I’m not in the dead center of hipsterville (thank god), but I love my area. I’m 20 minutes from anywhere I ever need to go, tops.

    Houston has a notoriously cheap housing market, both for renting and for buying. My parents bought their brand new 3500 square foot house with all the upgrades and fancy pants shit in the snish yuppsterville with the best school districts for just over 200k. In the LA area, their house would easily go for over $800k; San Diego, well over a million. Since we’ve got so much land and cheap labour, we’ve got a lot of places to build and people to build it. We’ve also got a bitchin job market too.

    Downside? August. August is the downside. 110 degrees with 98% humidity. (Which is why there’s a sub-city of tunnels downtown so no one ever has to go outside to get anywhere, and why everyone has their ACs on ARCTICMOFOINGBLAST constantly.)

    Here at Maison Pants, we’ve got lovely blow-up-bed accomodations, should anyone need to check out the area….

  83. max

    Wow. Ms. Pants has cute kitties that purr too. I am saving that offer.

  84. Thanks Ms Pants! Sounds lovely!

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