no quero taco bell snail


snailI have this rogue snail.

It happened innocent like and all. I sent some plants to live at a friend’s while I was in domicile turmoil. Then, when I was not in domicile turmoil, my friend brought the plants back. Only — the plants had sort of been munched by snails. I get that. Snails happen. Outside.

My plants do not live outside. My plants live inside with me. And when I got them back I groomed them and comforted them and promised them, No more snail attacks, ever.

A promise I could not keep.

See, this morning, I go into the bathroom and my big beautiful plant has a snail on it. I am horrified. The snails came with? I grab the snail and apologize to the plant.

Now, I do not know what to do with the snail.

Drop it off the balcony? That does not seem right. It is a long story down to an all pavement street and sidewalk. I mean, okay, Mollusca is not the smartest phylum around, but it will die when it hits the pavement, or, if it survives, well, there is not a damn thing snail worthy to eat.

Drop it in the toilet?

Okay that is just murder.

I decide when I go out I will take the snail with and look for good snail drop off spots. Sure it is a city but there must be snail friendly places. Snails have survived hundreds of thousands of years.

In the meantime I put the snail in this Taco Bell plastic cup that is very deep figuring, How fast can a snail move?

Really fucking fast.

Two minutes later I look iat the Taco Bell Grande Lemonaid Cup and the snail is gone. Gone from the inside. Gone from the outside. Gone.

Know where I put that dumb cup?

On the kitchen counter.

Now I am imagining all the turmoil a snail can get into in the kitchen.

There is no trail. What if the snail gets into the microwave? What if the snail gets into the oven?

It cannot get into the food. The food is in sealed Tupperware and a sealed refrigerator. Take that, Snail. [See I am more barbaric than I appear I am having belligerant thoughts about a snail.] But. I think. What does the snail really want?


I hope I did not lie to my plant twice. I hope that damn snail does not make it back to the bathroom.

More likely it will go for the orchid.

The orchid is on my desk.

Damn snail.


:::snail i:::
:::snail ii:::


where the art work comes from :
that is from jeffrey worthen

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