dads & birthdays

So my dad had brain surgery today. Well yesterday, actually, it’s now 2 AM Thursday and his surgery was Wednesday. My Max clock doesn’t work that way though, for me it is still sort of Wednesday.

Waiting.

He had brain surgery last year for a hematoma in his brain that almost killed him. And he was recovering. But today he went in for more surgery because something has caused another bleed in his brain.

Surgery was scheduled for 6 PM CA time. And no one has told me he’s out, it’s okay.

And no one I’m texting asking for news is texting me back.

So, I’m rolling into my birthday thinking my dad is dead. Because why else wouldn’t they be texting me back saying everything is fine? Or not fine. Or, anything?

I don’t care about the birthday.

I just want my dad to be okay.

I just want my dad to be alive.

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Update: I finally heard back from family. My dad had surgery today instead of yesterday and is okay. I’m experiencing the type of anger that comes fast on the heals of relief. This is one of the reasons I live very far away from family. They are very skilled at eliciting grief. And anger. Life is calmer far away.