letters from the ethos : tuxedo tuesday


mail boxDear Blonde Assassin —

I like the idea of your having a church, and I want it to succeed. However, if you want people to come to your church, you’re going to have to spice it up a bit. People are tired of boring churches.

With that in mind, I have a few suggestions.

What’s up with the lame church name? I know this chick [who is not me but some chick named JanieBelle who you’ve never heard of] who’s going to call her church “The Church of the Kneeling Virgin.” That is a cool church name. It might be a little confusing for 90 year old Catholic ladies who accidentally wander in, but I think they might enjoy the service anyway.

I don’t think they’ll approve of the communion ceremony though. At least not at first.

Anyway, “The Church of Max’s Tragically Bereft Stove” is pretty lame because it doesn’t have any double entendre possibilities. You might as well call it “Max’s Really Lame Church That Has No Sexual Innuendo In Its Name.”

I’ve tried to think of one, but I can’t come up with any good ones. I’ll get back to you on that.

Plus, instead of advertising for bingo, you could put some fun back in church. Add a bar in the vestibule and a card table in the choir loft. Then advertise them with one of those church signs out front that says, “Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.”

Hope this helps.


Elle Beinaj

P.S. Wear the nun outfit.


Elle Beinaj



Dear Elle Beinaj :

You are a genius. “Max’s Really Lame Church That Has No Sexual Innuendo In Its Name” is perfect. Yay!

Also, Father Patrick says if you do not show for confession this week he is sending the altar boys after your ass. I would show if I were you. Those altar boys are burly. Also Father Patrick says wear panties this time.

Love and Kisses,

The Blonde Assassin



Dear Blonde Assassin —

How are things since — wait, you won’t reply because you are too
busy watching Dexter.

Never mind.




Dear Jane From Marketing :

I am sorry I cannot reply to your email right now I am too busy shuffling my Netflix cue to bring Dexter closer to the top if I do not there will be riots in Australia. But say, what do you think about “Max’s Really Lame Church That Has No Sexual Innuendo In Its Name” for a church name?

Love and Kisses,

The Blonde Assassin



You too can write the blonde assassin
Send email to :
blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com



where the art work comes from :
that is stamped mail by drewish

7 Responses to letters from the ethos : tuxedo tuesday

  1. Wow, that Elle Beinaj sure sounds like a very intelligent and beautiful person!

    If Elle has any problems with Father Patrick’s prudish panty rule, perhaps she should see Father Jake, who doesn’t seem to have any such issues.

    Did I mention how intelligent and beautiful Elle sounds?

    On the other hand, Father Patrick sounds pretty mean. She might should go have a chat with him in the confessional. Maybe she could get him to unzip unwind.

  2. Kym

    Elle seems so familiar to me almost as if I know her. . .

    I agree with her the Max’s Church etc. needs a more exciting name. Our Sainted Voyeurs Praying to Hot Metal Babes?

  3. max

    Sure, you all agree with Elle, but what does Jane in Marketing think? She is a professional you know.

  4. Ask Jane in Marketing what she thinks of “Church of the Kneeling Virgin”.

    I’m telling you, that’s a gold mine right there.

  5. cbsjane

    This is Jane in Marketing. Focus groups love “The Church of Max’s Tragically Bereft Stove.”

    “Church of the Kneeling Virgin”? Not so much.

  6. aj

    CBSJane sounds like a highly intelligent and well rounded person. I say roll with any suggestions she makes in future.

  7. max

    She is super smart. Kinda two faced though.

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