letters from the ethos : bruce campbell sunday
Dear Blonde Assassin —
It’s come to my attention that there’s this contest being held in Canada where I’m going to be chained to the bottom of vat filled with Diet Coke and Booze. Two women are suppose to drink their way to the bottom before I drown.
This is a joke — right?
If it’s not?
I beg of you…
Save Me.
A dental plan is your reward should you decide to take up this challenge.
B.C.
Dear B.C. :
Suck it up, Chin Boy.
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
You too can write the blonde assassin
Send email to :
blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com
where the art work comes from :
that is venus de mail from boeke
39 Responses to letters from the ethos : bruce campbell sunday
May the best Diet Coke Grrrl win.
Diet coke is for light weights, I got the booze part covered.
The booze is the prize at the end you have to
suckdrink your way to.I may have lost the Gummy Wars,
But this one I’m going…dow I’m mean this one I will win.
If FFE gets his way we will be poisoned with Cherry Coke Zero we and he need to have a
no witnessesprivate convo about that Cherry Coke Zero issue.Drink one poison to get to another!
Look, I would have preferred amaretto and 7-Up, but you’re the ones fighting over me.
B.C.
Eew.
[That is just scary FFE.]
No, it’s prety good actually – just like a maraschino cherry in taste, but a hangover that would bring down the Great Wall of China.
HA!
It’s going to take more then Toxic Levels of Cherry Coke Zero to take me out.
Like no one has ever tried to —-never mind.
amm
I’m working on a pay per view deal…do you two have agents?
Yep…mine are from the Offices Jab,Uppercut,Hook and Cross.
Want their number :-)?
And how in hell do I get free agent status? Wait, I’m a B-movie actor . . . . nevermind . . . .
You bet. Call ICM. First you better lock Bruce in though, there is no show without Bruce.
Check.
And while he’s locked up I say we dump the Cherry slop and put in the real stuff.
Won’t HE be surprised.
Okay, so I can keep all this straight . . . who’s playing Embeth Davidtz and who’s playing Lucy Lawless?
Uh-Oh…tv stuff…
MAX! SOS!
Oh FFE you are confused and on the wrong show. This is not Xena Warrior Princess. This is Blonde Assassin & The Dark Invader.
[Did he already sign those contracts?]
Fair enough, and to keep things civil I’ll leave the chainsaw in the car.
You might want to re-think that one FFE.
The Dark Invader.
Well you are the one who is going to drown if the gasoline and oil in your chainsaw makes the Coca Cola taste nasty.
Oh yeah…wouldn’t want anything to ruin the taste of Coca Cola…really, can you do that?
I mean, if that stuff can dissolve a tooth overnight won’t it dissolve Gasoline?
Want to find out?
The Dark Invader
There is good vodka in that mix. [It is good vodka, right, Rain? Not the rot gut?] We are not tarnishing it with a dirty old chainsaw.
Welll in that case- ;-)
Good vodka only. None of that rotgut.
Belvedere, I’m thinking, to add a touch of class. It will, of course, be ice cold, and “Bruce” will be wearing a tight t-shirt.
And hand cuffs. Do not forget the hand cuffs.
[Is handcuffs — hand cuffs? — one word or two?]
I prefer the term “irons”
And since I’m not bringing the chainsaw, I will be making a stump speech before the proceedings . . .
Only if you can breath under Diet Coke and vodka.
Yeah…Diet Coke AND Vodka…and it’s handcuffs
amm
Vodka makes me grow gills.
I don’t grow gills, but I do biochemically extract the oxygen from the alcohol molegules . . . .
..cules
See what biochemically extracting oxygen from alcohol molecules will do to you?
hic
Hey, thanks for the idea. I know someone deserving of such a demise.
Oh wait – he drinks like eight Diet Cokes a day. His kidneys are already drowning it. Never mind.
Hey, can you pass that dental plan over here? I know someone who sure could use a tooth.
Hmm, dental plan, this can only mean cute gym guy of the neck tat and blue satin boxers is still in the picture?
How can cute gym guy NOT be in the picture? He text messages God knows how many times a week!
May as well let him enjoy the chase!
Well. If you discount the child he has not seen in two years, the rap sheet, the missing tooth, the questionable employment and the lack of transportation, he is very attentive and also he does chores and has hot ripley abs.
[which is more than i can say for some people not to be named delicate cough]