just say no to faux wood


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Apparently this is a thing in Austin.

Plastic fake wood flooring.

[It is really gross.]



Flash Back: My ex and I are looking for a microwave.

He keeps saying, What about this one?

[He’s a guy, he’s looking for bells and whistles.]

I keep saying, No! Faux Wood! No No No Ahhh!

[A lot of microwave manufacturers at the time thought it was cool to paint metal microwaves with some sort of freakish fake wood grain.]

[It was so gross.]



After the microwave gauntlet, I overheard my ex one time talking to a salesman and I sort of fell in love with him all over again when he said, “No, it is faux wood.”

[There are some rough things I can say sometimes about my ex but that “faux wood” thing? He did not care a bit about faux wood but he knew I did so faux wood was out and he did not even know I was listening. That is a moment I will always love him for.]



I totally love my broker too because after our faux wood conversation she started getting on the phone to people saying, fiercly, “Faux wood?”

I could kind of hear the pause and “Huh?” on the other side of the line.

She’d snap, “Wood laminate.”

Then I’d kind of hear the “Oh” on the other side of the line.

We haven’t been to a place with faux wood since.




Really hating faux wood knocks 90% of the buildings we might have looked at out of the running.

That is okay with me. Hello! Streamlined house hunt. Yay!

Also panic mode has subsided some we have seen a couple places I actually think I could live in now.

Cross fingers. Light candles.


PS: I’m totally telling you my broker’s name and contact info after I sign a new lease. Before that not so much… you’d totally steal my hot new apartment leads, right? Yeah, I thought so. Skeevy dogs.




4 Responses to just say no to faux wood

  1. Fingers crossed, candles lit, voodoo voodooed… And really, the entire faux wood thing had to have been the result of some designer’s bad acid trip and the rest were too lemming like to buck it. That stuff makes me shudder.

  2. Max

    It’s really horrible. It looks like brown crayola floor. I don’t get it, some of those places had clearly been worked on very hard with upgrades to make them nice. Brushed steel faucets and such. Fancy tubs. Stainless steel appliances. Marble counters. Fancy pendant lamps and and track lights. And then — Brown crayola floors. Ahhhh!

    I don’t get it, I mean, they could go bamboo flooring. That is attractive, a natural substance, durable — is there some mob concession with a heel on the throat of contractors making them put in that gross crayola floor crap? Whut?

  3. Oh God wood laminate is the worst. Sometime in the 90s Pergo became THE thing and I have no idea why. You give it a foreign sounding name and all the sudden shellacked paper on particle board is trendy and popular?

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