i do not like babies


babyI do not like babies.

I find small children at times entertaining. Sometimes even endearing. Once in the parking lot of 7-11 a small boy walked up to me and said, “Pretty lady, help.”

[That kid so got help. Also it was not his fault “help” involved automatic weapons and a 7-11 hold up in progress. He was little. He did not know.]

Small children are direct.

Small children think I am pretty.

Small children really work for me.

But not babies.

Babies do not have verbal skills that can endear them to me. Also they blow bubbles of spit. Not really an endearing trait.

I make exceptions. From time to time a friend of mine gives birth to some baby and I tolerate the situation and give the baby the benefit of the doubt. I assume because it is the progeny of a friend this baby is as special as the friend thinks. [Not really.] I tolerate Christmas cards which suddenly carry the vissage of a small unformed human instead of the Virgin Mary or a cute reindeer. I tolerate phone answering messages which suddenly are burbles instead of human speach. I am pretty good about this baby thing. Even though basically I just do not like babies.

There is one time though when I fell in love with a baby.

She was not a pretty baby. She was kind of funny looking. Also she had very huge ears. This was when I was in Louisiana. I worked at a restaurant. It was a kind of upscale place. I worked in the bar but I worked brunches and sometimes things overspilled and this small baby ended up with her family at a bar table because the restaurant had overfilled and it was brunch and also Sunday and Louisiana and it worked that way in Louisiana. So. I had a baby in the bar. Oh the humanity.

This little baby kid had huge blue eyes and was bald and also had the huge ears. And a huge huge smile. And that is what got me. The smile. This baby cried at nothing, or just about nothing, she just smiled. She had, I kid you not, like a halo of smile or something. And I saw that kid’s smile and I was toast. Gone. Sold. It was as good as a puppy smile. She owned me. And that has never happened before or since but this one time? It did.

The dumb waiter who was running his ass off to get her a little kid/baby seat after I fell in love with this small human baby promptly smashed her hand in the baby seat tray assembly.

[He was in so much trouble.]

These seats have these trays you slide in and he slid it in on her hand. Like clipped her hand in the mechanism? So there is this little big blue eyed huge eared huge smiled kid who has charmed me from accross the damn room in this stupid chair putting up with this not so smart waiter who has just had her hand slammed in the mechanism of this tray — and it is the only moment in her whole stay at the restaurant she made a less than charitable observation. She squeaked, big, then yelled.

He yanked the tray away [probably taking some of her hand with it but at least taking the pressure off] —

And she smiled.

And I thought right then, I would have a baby. If I could have that baby.

That was kind of my parcel to God. Dear God, if I could have that baby, I might go for it, but I know how you work, so never mind.


where the art work comes from :
that is salad bowl a by tennborn

20 Responses to i do not like babies

  1. Funny story.

    I never liked babies until I had one of my own.

  2. max

    That is what everyone says. Liars.

  3. It’s true. I had never even held a baby until I had mine.

  4. max

    Ah. That is different. You must have been a baby in the family. Everyone else held you.

    I am first born. It is different for first born. We are the experimental models. We weather all the first test trials. And we see everything that comes after. Including babies.

  5. I am a middle child. The youngest is 5 years younger than I.
    I remember thinking he was cute when he could play with toys. Not until then.

  6. I was my parent’s firstborn and the first female child born after my Mom’s brothers and sister all produced Males ( there were seven of them before I came along ).

    I used to wear the cutes little dresses that my and I could Box- oh and until I was like six I used to go shirtless all of the time.

    I never did get used to babies- like them sure. Used to them?


  7. conundrum

    I like kids when they become able to talk, eat, walk and go to the bathroom – like regular people only small and not-yet-corrupted by life.

    Babies, not at all.
    They drool, cry, eat, poop – How is that endearing? No thanks.

  8. You pretty much summed up my whole feel about having kids.

    I don’t mind babies so much if their parents are there as well (to take them back when they smell or make a lot of that crying noise). And I don’t mind children if they’re well behaved.

    But when I walk into a Walmart on a Sunday morning, I find myself wishing that every woman would be born without reproductive equipment and must complete several batteries of tests before being given their ovaries back.

  9. Babies I don’t mind. Little kids drive me nuts. They’ve got no filter, and their parents don’t make ’em shut up.

  10. kittens, small children and baby birds are cute so that we do not eat our young…

  11. max

    You are so smart.

  12. “kittens, small children and baby birds are cute so that we do not eat our young…”

    Speak for yourself.


    Cute, Max, cute. Kitty’s right – when you have your own, you’ll come around.

    Unless – of course – you have mothers like ours.

  13. max

    Well yeah that maternal instinct thing is not guaranteed, we have proof.

  14. Kym

    I’m not that fond of other people’s babies (well, that’s a lie but it used to be true so I’ll hang it out here.) But I love kids. You treat them nice and they’ll treat you nice (once you get to the teenage years this is no longer true). I like fair trades like that.

  15. I hear they taste like chicken.

  16. californiablogging

    My son cried for years and I could not stand babies after that. I went to a shower and someone put a baby in my arms. My sister yells out, “What are you doing you hate babies!” I laughed so hard I thought I might drop it…umm her.

  17. max

    Probably the most horrifying kid experiences of my life — um, besides growing up in the care of my mother — were living in Utah.

    [Apparently giving birth to thirty children means you have no energy left over to teach them how to be good human beings.]

    And probably the best were working at that restaurant in Louisiana. Because my best experiences with children — discounting the 7-11 parking lot episode which, well, it started out kind of on an upnote but did involve automatic weapons in the end, sort of a downer] come directly from there.

  18. Well, I hear they are full of protein.

    Woeful! lol

    I can tolerate kids and babies as long as I can give them back. Immediately.

    However, I can’t stand sitting next to them in restaurants. The other day, I was quite rude. The waiter showed me to my table and before I sat down I spotted a whiny child adjacent to me and I said, “Away from the kid, PLEASE.”

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