i do not like babies
I find small children at times entertaining. Sometimes even endearing. Once in the parking lot of 7-11 a small boy walked up to me and said, “Pretty lady, help.”
[That kid so got help. Also it was not his fault “help” involved automatic weapons and a 7-11 hold up in progress. He was little. He did not know.]
Small children are direct.
Small children think I am pretty.
Small children really work for me.
But not babies.
Babies do not have verbal skills that can endear them to me. Also they blow bubbles of spit. Not really an endearing trait.
I make exceptions. From time to time a friend of mine gives birth to some baby and I tolerate the situation and give the baby the benefit of the doubt. I assume because it is the progeny of a friend this baby is as special as the friend thinks. [Not really.] I tolerate Christmas cards which suddenly carry the vissage of a small unformed human instead of the Virgin Mary or a cute reindeer. I tolerate phone answering messages which suddenly are burbles instead of human speach. I am pretty good about this baby thing. Even though basically I just do not like babies.
There is one time though when I fell in love with a baby.
She was not a pretty baby. She was kind of funny looking. Also she had very huge ears. This was when I was in Louisiana. I worked at a restaurant. It was a kind of upscale place. I worked in the bar but I worked brunches and sometimes things overspilled and this small baby ended up with her family at a bar table because the restaurant had overfilled and it was brunch and also Sunday and Louisiana and it worked that way in Louisiana. So. I had a baby in the bar. Oh the humanity.
This little baby kid had huge blue eyes and was bald and also had the huge ears. And a huge huge smile. And that is what got me. The smile. This baby cried at nothing, or just about nothing, she just smiled. She had, I kid you not, like a halo of smile or something. And I saw that kid’s smile and I was toast. Gone. Sold. It was as good as a puppy smile. She owned me. And that has never happened before or since but this one time? It did.
The dumb waiter who was running his ass off to get her a little kid/baby seat after I fell in love with this small human baby promptly smashed her hand in the baby seat tray assembly.
[He was in so much trouble.]
These seats have these trays you slide in and he slid it in on her hand. Like clipped her hand in the mechanism? So there is this little big blue eyed huge eared huge smiled kid who has charmed me from accross the damn room in this stupid chair putting up with this not so smart waiter who has just had her hand slammed in the mechanism of this tray — and it is the only moment in her whole stay at the restaurant she made a less than charitable observation. She squeaked, big, then yelled.
He yanked the tray away [probably taking some of her hand with it but at least taking the pressure off] —
And she smiled.
And I thought right then, I would have a baby. If I could have that baby.
That was kind of my parcel to God. Dear God, if I could have that baby, I might go for it, but I know how you work, so never mind.