how not to write a personal ad
My unusually cruel and diabolical ex-boyfriend had a birthday yesterday. That is an unfortunate surprise item on the calendar. [The calendar is electronic it does not know these things really should be quietly shelved. It just sees “repeat annually” and sticks it in there as a fun surprise. Damn inanimate calendar.] He was one of those guys who would be hot for you and love you and want to marry you right up until he had to consider there was another person in the equation whose feelings and needs and desires he might have to consider, oh, I dunno, forever and once in a while even ahead of his own [wow, rough] and then panic and start fights over things like the direction the wind blows or what color dirt is — and he would do that, pick fights, every day, till he could get you to say, Fuck that is enough I cannot live like this. And then he could carry on like you were evil for doing him wrong when the whole time he was just dogging you to make you break because he was too noble to break his word just not noble enough to not pound you into the ground till you could not be with someone being that damn mean any more. He did it once to me and we did not speak for a year and then he came back and I fell for it again. And got hit again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, fuck off and die so I can mourn you appropriately already mean guy. But, that is past. This is present. I have to take that thing off my calendar. And Stilletto [who also is having guy pain I am so sorry Stilletto I wish I could fix that but I cannot it hurts it always does] said she read this and it cracked her up so I am posting it here —
how not to write a personal ad
Mostly when I am working really hard and take breaks except- they-are-only-sort-of-breaks-because-I-cannot-actually-go- anywhere-I-have-more-work-to-do-and-soon, I play computer solitaire. But sometimes, when I take breaks, I am too tired for computer solitaire. The cards annoy me. The game is too easy to win or too hard to play. I am cranky and surly and just want to take a break not wrestle red on black. Then I know I am too tired for solitaire. That is when I cruise personals sites.
There are a lot of these online. They have come a long way from the old ads in newspapers where every word cost who knows what and you never knew whom you were really talking to. Now, they are in depth and detailed, have real live photos — and you still don’t know whom you are really talking to.
I have been too tired for solitaire a lot lately. [Testament to me not being bored, grrrr.]
So I have been checking out my favorite sites again. I read the men. I read the women. Personal sites are like little villages to me. I watch people come. I watch people go. I watch some of them outsmart the system. Some personals sites give people a free trial membership up front and then after a week or so when they think they have you they say, “Well to stay and participate you must buy a membership.” Some people sign up over and over for a free new memberships and never buy one. The people running those sites would be mad, but they do not read enough of their own ads to catch those people. Then some people are on all the personal sites. I will see them on one site. Then a month down the line they will be on another. And then another. They are searching for love. Or victims. I always wonder which. The one thing that is a constant on all the personal sites is —
The women are much better at personal ads than men. I am not sure why. Women are just across the board better at personal presentation I think.
The scariest ad I ever saw on a personals site [I wish I had downloaded and saved this photo but I was too afraid it would give me bad dreams] was a picture of a guy clutching [I am serious, CLUTCHING] an empty baby cradle. Um.
I spend a lot of time flinching yelping “Yipes!” cruising personals. [Those ads will wake you right up.] But, for the sake of the personal ad community and since I have gotten way too much entertainment at the expense of others and feel it is my duty to give back, here for the personal ad impaired is how NOT to write a personal ad.
Do not use your wedding photo in a personal ad. It just does not shout “happily ever after.”
“Eating Meat” is not a “hobby.”
“I am fun and so is my body” is maybe not the best way to describe your personality and physique.
Don’t call yourself “Good Guy.” In fact, don’t even say you are a “good guy.” Guys who tell you they are “good guys” are lunatic misogynists.
Do not say the person you would most like to have lunch with is your mother. [We are all impressed you are a good son but “mamma’s boy” just is not sexy.]
When listing what you are searching for in a potential life partner, “big titties and a tight ass” might not be the way to go.
Do not quote only serial killers when asked for favorite movie quotes.
“What are your turn offs” should not be the longest section of your ad.
When describing your physical appearance, do not rely on what Grandma said when you were three. Get a mirror. Get a picture of Mel Gibson. Mel is a ten. Adjust your scale as needed.
When asked what would be a comfortable place to meet, “my bedroom” is not a good answer.
You do not turn into Tom Cruise when you pose in sunglasses for your personals photo. You turn into a dumb guy who posts photos with half his face hidden.
Baseball caps spell “bald.”
If you use photos of you with your cuter friend, girls will kick you to the curb and ask if your cute friend is single.
Guys who pose for photos with muscle cars should not be older than sixteen. [If you are sixteen I am calling your father.]
The next time you are thinking it would be a good idea to post your vacation album — you know, all those poorly framed badly lit Hawaiin sunsets? — slam your hand in a door till you stop thinking that.
Photos of you doing something athletic do not camoflage the fact you could stand to do a few crunches.
Do not use photos of you “having fun with the kids.” Women want to know you before you throw the family at them and hey, this is the internet, home of kiddy pornographers, jeez, what were you thinking?
Love and Kisses,
Your Adams Girl
*editorial note: i did not meet the unusually cruel and diabolical ex-boyfriend through a personal ad