how not to write a personal ad

goof.pngMy unusually cruel and diabolical ex-boyfriend had a birthday yesterday. That is an unfortunate surprise item on the calendar. [The calendar is electronic it does not know these things really should be quietly shelved. It just sees “repeat annually” and sticks it in there as a fun surprise. Damn inanimate calendar.] He was one of those guys who would be hot for you and love you and want to marry you right up until he had to consider there was another person in the equation whose feelings and needs and desires he might have to consider, oh, I dunno, forever and once in a while even ahead of his own [wow, rough] and then panic and start fights over things like the direction the wind blows or what color dirt is — and he would do that, pick fights, every day, till he could get you to say, Fuck that is enough I cannot live like this. And then he could carry on like you were evil for doing him wrong when the whole time he was just dogging you to make you break because he was too noble to break his word just not noble enough to not pound you into the ground till you could not be with someone being that damn mean any more. He did it once to me and we did not speak for a year and then he came back and I fell for it again. And got hit again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, fuck off and die so I can mourn you appropriately already mean guy. But, that is past. This is present. I have to take that thing off my calendar. And Stilletto [who also is having guy pain I am so sorry Stilletto I wish I could fix that but I cannot it hurts it always does] said she read this and it cracked her up so I am posting it here —

how not to write a personal ad

Mostly when I am working really hard and take breaks except- they-are-only-sort-of-breaks-because-I-cannot-actually-go- anywhere-I-have-more-work-to-do-and-soon, I play computer solitaire. But sometimes, when I take breaks, I am too tired for computer solitaire. The cards annoy me. The game is too easy to win or too hard to play. I am cranky and surly and just want to take a break not wrestle red on black. Then I know I am too tired for solitaire. That is when I cruise personals sites.

There are a lot of these online. They have come a long way from the old ads in newspapers where every word cost who knows what and you never knew whom you were really talking to. Now, they are in depth and detailed, have real live photos — and you still don’t know whom you are really talking to.

I have been too tired for solitaire a lot lately. [Testament to me not being bored, grrrr.]

So I have been checking out my favorite sites again. I read the men. I read the women. Personal sites are like little villages to me. I watch people come. I watch people go. I watch some of them outsmart the system. Some personals sites give people a free trial membership up front and then after a week or so when they think they have you they say, “Well to stay and participate you must buy a membership.” Some people sign up over and over for a free new memberships and never buy one. The people running those sites would be mad, but they do not read enough of their own ads to catch those people. Then some people are on all the personal sites. I will see them on one site. Then a month down the line they will be on another. And then another. They are searching for love. Or victims. I always wonder which. The one thing that is a constant on all the personal sites is —

goof_3_flip_right.pngWow do guys write bad personal ads.

The women are much better at personal ads than men. I am not sure why. Women are just across the board better at personal presentation I think.

The scariest ad I ever saw on a personals site [I wish I had downloaded and saved this photo but I was too afraid it would give me bad dreams] was a picture of a guy clutching [I am serious, CLUTCHING] an empty baby cradle. Um.


I spend a lot of time flinching yelping “Yipes!” cruising personals. [Those ads will wake you right up.] But, for the sake of the personal ad community and since I have gotten way too much entertainment at the expense of others and feel it is my duty to give back, here for the personal ad impaired is how NOT to write a personal ad.

Do not use your wedding photo in a personal ad. It just does not shout “happily ever after.”

“Eating Meat” is not a “hobby.”

“I am fun and so is my body” is maybe not the best way to describe your personality and physique.

Don’t call yourself “Good Guy.” In fact, don’t even say you are a “good guy.” Guys who tell you they are “good guys” are lunatic misogynists.

Do not say the person you would most like to have lunch with is your mother. [We are all impressed you are a good son but “mamma’s boy” just is not sexy.]

When listing what you are searching for in a potential life partner, “big titties and a tight ass” might not be the way to go.

Do not quote only serial killers when asked for favorite movie quotes.

“What are your turn offs” should not be the longest section of your ad.

When describing your physical appearance, do not rely on what Grandma said when you were three. Get a mirror. Get a picture of Mel Gibson. Mel is a ten. Adjust your scale as needed.

When asked what would be a comfortable place to meet, “my bedroom” is not a good answer.

You do not turn into Tom Cruise when you pose in sunglasses for your personals photo. You turn into a dumb guy who posts photos with half his face hidden.

Baseball caps spell “bald.”

If you use photos of you with your cuter friend, girls will kick you to the curb and ask if your cute friend is single.

Guys who pose for photos with muscle cars should not be older than sixteen. [If you are sixteen I am calling your father.]

The next time you are thinking it would be a good idea to post your vacation album — you know, all those poorly framed badly lit Hawaiin sunsets? — slam your hand in a door till you stop thinking that.

Photos of you doing something athletic do not camoflage the fact you could stand to do a few crunches.

Do not use photos of you “having fun with the kids.” Women want to know you before you throw the family at them and hey, this is the internet, home of kiddy pornographers, jeez, what were you thinking?

And finally. Spelling counts.goof_2_left.png

Love and Kisses,

Your Adams Girl

where this came from : seemaxrun thoughts 2001

*editorial note: i did not meet the unusually cruel and diabolical ex-boyfriend through a personal ad

22 Responses to how not to write a personal ad

  1. Eeesh, this makes me happy to not be single.

    I tried online dating once, and only once. The girl I ended up going out with looked nothing like her picture, which isn’t to say she was ugly or anything… she just, well, looked exactly like my little sister in person. I think the entire pantheon of dating goddesses forgave me for not calling her back.

    The issue with men and dating profiles is that they’re always trying to impress. Most are subconsciously trying to impress other men, and the rest are trying to impress women in misguided ways.

  2. I’d offer to find your ex and kick him in the balls if you did the same to mine for me, but well–I have a feeling you’d like to see your ex go down after the kick and writhe in pain, maybe cry a little bit, perhaps vomit once or twice. I have that feeling because that’s what I’d like to see. Only I’d like to see him fall down to a section of the ground that’s covered in tacks. Because I’m still really bitter.

    Say it with me: Narcissists do not make good boyfriends.

  3. max

    Narcicists do not make good boyfriends.

    [Jeez, Ms. Pants, that is pretty violent.]

    Missed, the goddesses definitely forgive a guy for not wanting to date someone who looks just like his little sister. That would be pervo.

  4. Okay, maybe not the tacks because that would really hurt. Like, bad. And probably squick me out. But can he fall down in dog poo?

    I’d settle for him just acting like a rational, responsible human being. However, the odds on that are far less likely than the slipping in dog poo so I have to keep my fingers crossed.

  5. max

    LOL — okay, yeah, the dog poo is okay.

  6. Interesting post. The sad thing is that most of the guys that have ads like that probably believe that’s what women want to read or see in a personal ad.

    I guess that the best thing for those dudes to do is to have one of their buddies wives write the ad for them.

  7. max

    I am still personally traumatized by the memory of the guy clutching the cradle.

    Speaking of traumas, Tommy, didn’t you have kind of a traumatic experience getting set up by the wife of a friend?

  8. Is that you? Is that your ex boyfriend? Wow, you two look like you might’ve engaged in some hot and heavy kiss and make up sessions? Let me guess – he sort of looks like he’d be surly and disagreeable, perhaps a little sophomoric? You, on the other hand, were the more mature of the two. Did he laugh everything off? Was he non commital?

    Am I right at all? lol Probably not!

  9. The guy clutching the cradle reminds me a of a great story.

    Back in the day, my girlfriend and I picked up a hitchhiker on the way back from DC. I was a bit inebriated (I hate to admit) and driving around some windy roads when we spotted him. This was after I did a 360 with my car because I wouldn’t heed my friend’s warning that I better slow down.

    I’ll skip all the sordid stuff that happened and jump to this guy. Ok, so we pick up this guy and go up to his apartment where he had this huge stash of pot, like the sort of stuff people get shot over. She wanted to steal it, and I was like, No way. She was a very bad girl. Anyway, we’re sitting on the couch when the guy tells us he’s got a secret. He points to a room with the lights out and beckons us to come over. We were thinking he had an axe behind the door.

    But we were dumb enough to walk over and peep our heads on. He flips on the light and voila! There’s a baby sleeping in the crib. It was just absolutely bizarre. There was no way we could take his stash after that and besides, I’m not a thief.

    What the hell was the point of this story? I’m sorry, it’s the wine I drank!

  10. Oh, damn, Max, I must be really stupid tonight. How did I miss evil, cruel, and diabolical drama queen guy? DUH! I think I was so dazzled by the pics that when I read the words they just sorta went over my head.

    Your ex is pretty self centered. Hmm, a Capricorn, huh?

    BTW, if that is you ex, he is really hot!

    {[Dodging bullets from Max right about now]

  11. You look so totally innocent in that first photo. LOL.
    Of course, you are.

  12. I don’t know- personal ads are just darn fine reading,

    HOWEVER if they’re in those newspapers that you can pick up for free I would feel obligated to say to anyone I care about that is entertaining the thought of actually answearing one “Caveat emptor ”

    I take that back, I’d be screaming it.

    Max…I actually posted this above my computer monitor at work. It was super funny to watch how people reacted to it.

    I also use to eat Pez from a Darth Vadar Pez Gun when I was standing around the Coroner’s Office waiting to do a body removal to the Funeral Home.

    I thought THAT was Super Funny Too.

    Anita Marie

  13. Max. I’ve actually had a few bad experiences getting set up from a friends wives. Most of the time, I think that there were other motives involved with those bad dates. I think that they were either showing me that being single sucks and I’d better settle down or they were trying to drive a wedge into the friendship I had with their husbands. That or they were just plain evil. HA!

    With the wife writing the ad, she isn’t choosing the woman directly and there is some time for editing before the ad is posted.

  14. max

    I am totally cracking up over the Darth Vader Pez dispenser.

    Stiletto, you live, yay! Yes, he is very pretty. You are so hogging the wine aren’t you?

    Kitty, of course I am innocent. :::whistling:::

    Tommy I think you should stop letting those wives set you up and really should not depend on them to write personal ads for you it is just living life on the edge doing that.

  15. I’m a “Living on the edge” kinda guy. Seriously. There are things about me you wouldn’t know. There are things about me you couldn’t know. There are things about me you shouldn’t know Dottie, err I mean Max. I’m a rebel. A loner. HA!

    Honestly, I haven’t been set up by a friends wife in about 6 years and I’ve only placed one online personal ad in my life. I just figure that by this point in my life, if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. I’m done trying to force the issue. I’m just going to let things happen naturally and if I wind up never meeting the perfect woman for me, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

  16. A Cradle? Seriously? uugh, cold chills just ran down my spine. I feel quite icky just thinking about it, thank you for not downloading it and giving us all nightmares.

  17. max

    It was so good, though, Uncensored, truly, this was worth a few scary dreams. Maybe not as many as I have had. But still….

  18. I love the pics of you and the rat bastard. Just as pictures. Despite the relationship. I’m glad you weren’t driven to burn them. They’re cool. Looking at them as a photographer, not Dr. Laura.

  19. Having read, written, and responded to personal ads before; I know it is hard to capture anyone in a few sentences. You either have to meet them in person or chat on the phone to determine if there is more to them. The problems happen when you describe yourself. Unless you have a decent, honest inventory of yourself; your description will not match reality. Everyone is different on paper. People know what to say there. In person, especially for long periods of time, show their true selves. If you want the ultimate eye-opening experience, move in with them.

    The good news is that the people who aren’t real can usually be picked out in the first few minutes. Even committing yourself to a cup of coffee and a pastry’s worth of conversation, go with your gut instinct. However, a picture of clutching an empty cradle would be a deal breaker for me. Other than that, unless they ask on the first date if your dental records are on file anywhere; keeping an open mind is good. Don’t over think it. It’s dating.

  20. trenchy

    the only image allowed on those websites should be a single nipple… it’s amazing how much you can tell from a nipple.

  21. trenchy

    BTW, a resident was eavesdropping as I read this and asked if you (in the picture) were my sister… the resemblance is striking.

  22. max

    This would have such a happier ending if the resident had asked if the ex were your brother.

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