cue the elves


sleeping girlSomeone needs to take out trash.

Someone needs to do laundry. Someone needs to wash dishes. Someone needs to do my nails. Someone needs to do my hair. Those damn elves are late. [If I cannot have elves I would settle for blue birds and squirrels. That really worked out for Snow White.] Cue the elves please.


where the art work came from :
that is portrait of a sleeping girl by roger ballen

127 Responses to cue the elves

  1. Get an intern.

    Not kidding.

    We just got one here in the office and it’s been some of the best work weeks of my life.

    Filing? What’s that?

  2. Borrow my nanny treat her like shit it makes her clean………..OMG she is exactly the kind of “man” I swore never to date again.

    Here are two mental tricks to try..

    1) Mom is in the driveway!

    2) Valliant just landed at LAX! Limo will arrivce in 45 mins. ( does that give your nails enough time to dry?)

  3. max

    Oh thanks Jen. Now I need to wax my legs too.

    Ethereal beauty is just painful to maintain.

    :::stomping around in a rage:::

  4. Oh! Oh! I wish there was an elf that would have my period for me, too!

  5. max

    LOL — also an elf that does crunches. That would so work for me.

  6. Or you can just let it all go. Like I do sometimes.

  7. Maybe the elves can work over your neighbor, “Mr. Mouth” while they’re at it!

  8. You don’t want the elves. They formed a labor union.

  9. Well, then I guess the elves won’t be waxing yoru legs Max. Although I hear some elves work under the table to support their addiction to Ent- draughts.

  10. Ohh–I missed you, Tommy–so funny! I bet they rival the Teamsters.

    You know, there are a lot of guys out there who would LOVE to wax your legs, Max. Or shave you. That can be a lot of fun.

  11. We don’t let guys with hot wax or razors near Max, Flowers, Chocolates, Concert Tickets……guys that slay dragons and leave elf work to the elves those guys can quest for fair Max.

  12. Z

    Mice worked out pretty well for Cinderella. Although, I’m not sure the Max version of “Cinderelly! Cinderelly!” would sound very flattering.

  13. Ok. I’ll take the guys who like to shave girls, and she can have the knights. Sounds fair.

  14. ” Valliant just landed at LAX! Limo will arrive in 45 mins. ”

    “Oh thanks Jen. Now I need to wax my legs too.”

    I’m not really a limo guy so you’ll probably have some time. Mind, there is a better then even chance I will get gunned down, or turned out by a pimp before I even make it out of the airport. I’m lacking in big city guile.

    The smooth legs are appreciated regardless of my fate though.

  15. I want a hot male siren, they work just as hard as elves and make great lovers to boot, what more could a gal ask for?

  16. max

    Maybe I better meet Valliant at the airport. I was born in a big city. I could probably get him through the gate.

  17. Well, you a super hero and it’s the least you could do.

  18. max

    He does cage fighting. He could walk around with me clipped to his tool belt and not notice.

  19. Get him through the road rage and pimps and then he’d probably want to scale the facade of Mann’s Chinese Theratre. Yeah with you clipped to his tool belt. That would so cool!

  20. “He does cage fighting.”

    Just as point of reference: while I train in the skills one would need to fight MMA, since I’ve not actually had a pro fight yet I cannot claim to be cage fighter…which no who actually does it, would call it. I only correct you since there are about three million cage fighters running around the internet, and maybe 3 of them have put in an hour of mat time.

    I love my sport, and am getting better at it…but I haven’t earned the right to call myself a fighter yet.

  21. max

    But it started with C.

    Damn this exam.

  22. Re LA: I think I would be more worried about the spirit crushing superficiality, cut throat social climbing, and depressing little men in expensive cars. I’m wired some what contrary to that environment.

  23. max

    I have no argument for that. That is all here.

  24. max

    Of course. So am I.

  25. You seem like a sensitive soul of at least passable character: how do you intermingle with that without turning into a vapid bitch, or curling into a ball of existential angst?

    Booze? Pills? Setting fire to transients?

  26. We have excellent breakfast restaurants run by retired rock stars who have come to love the planet and will heal you with omeletes and coffee after a night amongst the wolves. You don’t even have to be a morning person to receive such organic love.

  27. You’re a depressing little man in a expensive car?
    How disillusioning. And I would have settled for a melancholy hermaphrodite in a midrange sedan.

  28. “Of course. So am I.”

    Ohhh…. you meant that you are there as well as that. Not that you are all that as well.

    Man, my follow up was way witter they way I read it.

  29. max

    A hermaphrodite? Jeez.

    I do not intermingle. I just walk through. Things do not hurt you unless you care you know and I do not care about those things.

    A sensitive soul of passable character. Hmm.

  30. Man, I’m too drunk and hungry to respond.

    But this is all so entertaining!

  31. Speaking of LA superficiality, my favorite movie, Night at the Roxbury, is on. Got to go bob my head!

    “What is love, baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more..”

  32. max

    Stilletto you are hogging the wine again?

  33. Flavored vodka. Vox. Raspberry! Mmm mmm! The Old Man got me hooked!

  34. I have never seen that movie but I have had some mighty fine wine.

  35. “my favorite movie, Night at the Roxbury”

    Your favorite move is night at the Roxbury?
    Oh man, I think I need to add a culture section to Beats Entropy.

  36. max

    What is your favorite movie, Valliant?

  37. “I do not intermingle. I just walk through. Things do not hurt you unless you care you know and I do not care about those things.”

    No cultural miscegenation eh? My stance on LA is fueled entirely by movies and TV so I’m not really in position to measure the spiritual foot print it possess.

  38. max

    I was born here. There are not a lot of natives though. Most people swarming the city are just strangers from other places who come here and then one day go away again. Except the ones who break while they are here. They stay. And scream out windows at people in the street. Or huddle in doorways. They forgot who they were or never knew so they do not know how to go home again.

  39. Valliant, Max truly is a diamond in the ruff out here but all those ” spirit crushing superficiality, cut throat social climbing, and depressing little men in expensive cars.” Support the Children’s Hospital and it’s the only one in the country that can help my son. For that I too walk through them, appauld them even.

  40. “What is your favorite movie, Valliant?”

    Not nessecarly the best movies I’ve ever seen, bu the ones I enjoyed the most:

    Pump up the Volume
    Sin City (the Marv parts)
    Broken Flowers
    Shawshank Redemption
    The Professional

  41. max

    I have not seen Pump up the Volume or Broken Flowers.

  42. Max what is your favorite movie?

  43. Just to be clear I’m talking about this pump up the volume :

    Not the crappy dance movie.

  44. “I have not seen Pump up the Volume or Broken Flowers.”

    You really need to be 16 and have been a child in 80’s to feel the full impact,but you still need to get your ass to a video store pronto. His radio bits are some my all time favorite dialogue…and they have Two songs by Leonard Cohen and one by the pixes in the sounds track.

  45. Woa! Valliant, I was wondering…uh are you sure you don’t belong in LA?

  46. max

    I am really enjoying imagining you putting a frilly dance movie in a favorites list that includes Shawshank and The Professional and Marv. That is funny to me.

  47. Aj, let me clarify – Favorite BAD movie, my dear.

  48. Jinxed myself with the children’s hosp song and dance……goodnight folks!

  49. Jennifer, I briefly glanced at your blog as I’m catching up on reading a million others ones first, and my heart goes out to you. Children are my soft spot. Remember Russell Crowe’s character from LA Confidential? How he was very sensitive towards abused women? Well, if I ever see anyone talk down to their children or hit them, honest to God, I’d f-in’ pummel them. Children are sacred. You do not hurt children.

  50. “Aj, let me clarify – Favorite BAD movie, my dear.”

    Fair enough.
    If I was being totally honest Roadhouse, with Patrick Swayze would have been included on my …so I’m really not in a place to judge.

    “be nice, until it’s time not to be nice”

  51. max

    Wow I almost missed it. Lucky for me I have the emotional maturity of a five year old so I have time.

  52. Roadhouse is awesome lol\

    Getting serious though, Shawshank is awesome. When I’m feeling down and out, I think back to Andy’s speech on hope.

    Oh no, I learned the art of appreciating bad movies from my friend LK (who I reference quite a bit) and who so much like you, AJ. He taught me to sit down and appreciate the absurdity that lurks in all art forms and media.

  53. As far as bad movies goes, nothing beats “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”. Seriously, if you haven’t seen that movie, rent it.

  54. max

    Army of Darkness is my favorite guilty pleasure movie. I am going to pretend I am not a geek and avoid quoting it or Holy Grail.

  55. Army of Darkness isn’t a bad movie or a guilty pleasure movie. That movie is just flat out awesome.

  56. Bruce Campbell! Have you seen Bubba Ho Tep? They’re making a Number Two!

  57. Man, I may have to watch that tonight on DVD.

  58. max

    No way, a sequel to Bubba Hotep? That movie is hillarious.

  59. Yes! I spotted in on by accident!

    BTW, did you say Pump Up the Volume? Isn’t that the movie that contains two Cory’s? lol

  60. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes? Isn’t that a fifties movie?

  61. max

    I am going to look too easy if I go out and immediately watch Pump up the Volume, right? Like I should put that off and appear aloof?

  62. Bubba Hotep 2? Can’t wait.

    Attack of the Killer Tomatoes came out in the late 70’s (78 I think). That’s all I’m going to say about it. I’m not going to ruin it for you.

  63. Yes! Yes! That is how you play the game, playa!

    Who knows, Tommy, it may be out already. Like, as in straight to video out. Ok, got to run. My eggs are dropping!

  64. I meant, boiling eggs. I get eggs boiling.

  65. Wouldn’t want to overcook those eggs. It only leads to bad things.

  66. Hey, no matter how bad it tastes, it’s all protein.

  67. I’ve been wondering when I would censored. Max, you just worry about that moron next door – Tommy and I will watch the house! You do trust us, right?

  68. Right?

    I had to say it three times in case I had to fly back to Kansas.

  69. I’m a good house guest actually. However, if there’s pie and booze involved, watch out. Things may get messy.

  70. max

    I am locking the liquor cabinet and hiding the eggs. And pie. Jeez.

  71. I’ll bring the booze and protein. I think Stiletto has the pie and eggs.

  72. max

    Tommy. You are a lovable pervert. But tone it back just a notch?

  73. Got it. ‘Nuff said.

  74. Hey, it’s your blog, your rules. I can respect that.

  75. max

    Oh see you are a gentleman. Smooch!

  76. Me too. Lesson learned!

  77. But could I still get in trouble if I tell you I’m listening to Dio?

  78. Being a gentleman pays off once again. However, just so we’re all clear, I’m not always a gentleman. If I step over a boundary, let me know and I’ll do what I can to make it right.

  79. max

    Let me Wikipedia Dio and see….

  80. Tommy, you are a sweetie pie.

    Good night ya’ll. I’m going to watch The Red Violin and go to bed!

  81. Good movie. I’m so tempted to blurt out the ending, but I won’t. Good night.

    Max- It’s Ronnie James Dio.

  82. max

    I do not think you go to hell for listening to him. Whew.

    I am going to take off too for a bit. Night, Tommy.

  83. Night Max. I think this should be enough blog hits to get you on the “fastest growing” list.

  84. max

    Closing down for the night. Sort of. Jennifer, I missed your question I am sorry. I was playing a dangerous game of participating in workshop chat while playing here to humor my tragic crush on Valliant. Favorite movie… probably Blade Runner. It is hard to pick favorites, but Blade Runner is right at the top.

  85. I see being super again. Well, I just thought it was top secret information. I considered going to Valliant and having him ask but that all went down so fast and I had to check out……… Blade Runner is in my top three.

  86. “Favorite movieā€¦ probably Blade Runner.”

    Directors cut or with the Voice over?

  87. max

    I like the oringal release best. They are both amazing and wonderful but once I fall in love with a film it is not easy for me to embrace change.

  88. OK… My two cents.

    “Pump Up the Volume” is a great movie that is actually loosely based on a true story. My favorite movie? I’m a huge “Star Wars” fan but “Fight Club” is right up there! My friends tell me the worst movie EVER made is “Hulk.” They told me that I shouldn’t even bother watching it… Ever, because it will hurt me bad.

  89. max

    Oh your friends are sheltered, Tommy T was right, the worst movie ever made is Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. It is legendary bad.

  90. I think my friends can appreciate the Tomatoes, and “Plan 9 From Outer Space” since they were made for like $1.50 and a bologna sandwich… “Hulk,” however is a big budget Ang Lee atrocity that totally disrespects all die hard Marvel fans.

    Actually, a few years back I was in a theater with some friends, and a guy was sitting behind us with his girlfriend and when she discovered what the film was about, she sighed and said, “It’s a zombie movie. I hate zombie movies. This is going to be the worst movie ever.”

    … One of my friends then commented (so that everyone could hear), that she obviously never saw, “Hulk.” Her date totally lost his shit and couldn’t stop laughing >:)

  91. max

    Oh well. Friends of mine worked on Hulk.

  92. My friends who have seen “Hulk,” place the blame squarely on Lee’s shoulder’s… So unless you’re friends with Lee himself, I think it’s safe to say that your friends did all they could.

  93. max

    Damn you, Woeful, Ang Lee is my dad!

  94. Flashback to, “The Empire Strikes Back”
    … “I am your father.”
    – “Noooooo!”

  95. Fight club is top rank in my books as well. It’s loses steam a bit by the end, but the first half has an edge of cut the boat free bleakness that gets me every time.

  96. max

    I just want to look like Helena Bonham Carter.

  97. My all time favorites: Dr. Strangelove, Rudy, Streetcar Named Desire, Rebel Without a Cause and most of all, True Grit.

    My favorite bad movies: Black Momma White Momma, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Summer Rental and Amazon Women on the Moon.

    Worst movies: Krull, Caveman and the worst by far…Spacehunter: Aventures in The Forbidden Zone.

  98. Wow… This is some string!

    Some of my other favorites:

    High Fidelity
    Office Space
    Igby Goes Down
    Lost in Translation
    Garden State
    Beautiful Girls

  99. max

    Where is the love for The Princess Bride?


  100. Oh, The Princess Bride is a great movie, don’t get me wrong. I just decided to list my top 5 favorite movies.

  101. Everyone loves Blade Runner.

    And Office Space is a classic.

  102. “Where is the love for The Princess Bride?”

    As you wish ;)

  103. max


    Wanna play pirate and princess?

  104. I won’t make any jokes about finding booty.

  105. max

    When I was getting starry eyed about boys, and they were getting starry eyed about me, I would be in these situations where you know some boy would be trying to figure out something devastatingly clever to say to me and I would be waiting wondering if he was about to say something I would fall in love with for the rest of my life or was about to mutter something so obtuse and off putting I would have to beat him to death with an iron — you know, young love stuff — and my fast enough to survive childhood brother would appear and shout “Max has a red lace bra I saw it!”

    Do not ask me why I just thought of that.

  106. Those were the good days, when we ( and when I say we, I mean Max ) could allow ourselves to actually let Valliant be a prince and still be fierce enough to chase down bubble bursting brothers. Wait? Those were the days??? LOL ” As you wish” Go Valliant! Go Valliant!
    Max, is there a pain in the ass sister in the story here?

  107. Max, perhaps because you feel like beating someone with an iron?

    (Hiding beneath desk)

    Jennifer, do you mean, the days of innocence?

  108. Uh, only if Max did. (Who knows Stiletto, note time of post. I think Max should give me last call by 3am but then again I got the dry pet food thing done after hours…..)

  109. max

    I have a sister but we did not grow up together.

  110. I was seperated from my sisters around 12years old. We are friends now.
    Did you ever get to know your sister?

  111. max

    Well. It is complex and involves family scandal. I do know her. I do not know her well. Technically I knew her when we were kids, we just did not know we were sisters. That was a very big secret.

  112. Damn! I like you better every day. : )

  113. max

    LOL — why? Because the family practiced macabre secrecy rituals [those are also called lies] that obfuscated blood lines and relationships? It did not work, it all unraveled in a torrential collapse that impacted four generations, but hey, they were triers.

  114. Uh, yeah pretty much. I am decendant of a triers club too.
    It’s just comparing the scars of secrecy is much more fun than obfuscating then.

    I want to thank you for I am now getting my money’s worth on the Merriam – Webster’s reference CD, I bought and uploaded since I’ve been reading your blog!

  115. max

    Oh those whacky triers.

  116. And today is my day when I seek revenge on the all….. Fools all of them!

  117. max

    You are diabolical.

  118. Just one day a year! National Passive Agressive Day, I mean April Fools Day…….

  119. max

    Well you are kind. You still speak to people.

    Me, I figure people got some real time during formative years to cripple me beyod comprehension and if they blew it then? Sheesh, what slackers, that kind of loser performance just does not rate a second shot.

  120. My inner pit bull had someone to look after.

    You are self made then and you never looked back……That is fucking brave.

  121. max

    Oh I am not that great. I did look back. I went back. Twice. To try to make peace. I just failed. But, there is a bright side. See, when you are a little kid? You think it is all you. Anything that goes wrong, anything you get blamed for, anything you cannot make right, you really think it is all you.

    You grow up and go back?

    That goes away, you can see finally, and you can finally know and say, It wasn’t me, it was never me.

  122. You are great and even more so for twice offering peace.
    “you can finally see” That is part of your greatness. Even if you drew them a map with a promise of treasures ( which is you) they have to pass a mirror to get to peace and that is like throughing water on the witch.
    You didn’t fail.

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