construction this

under constructionConstruction workers are not cute. I lived in Seattle across the street from a building that was under construction what felt like every day I lived there and was one of those construction workers cute? No. They were all short and squat built like fire plugs on a strict donut diet and they did not wear belts to keep their pants properly in place so you did not want to be around if they had to bend over for anything it was a run away moment if that ever happened.

Now I am in a building which seems to require new tenants by law reconstruct the whole damn place using the help of not cute construction workers. With power saws. With power drills. With hammers. And in real exciting moments like this morning, nail guns that win a prize if you shoot the most nails the fastest for the longest. And they must start early in the morning. And also work Sundays.

Listen I would not mind all this freaking power saw and nail gun action early on Sunday IF THE FREAKING CONSTRUCTION WORKERS WERE CUTE. I could gather my Diet Coke and lawn chair and wander down the hall to languish bleary eyed as a spectator with the promise of pretending I was at a Chippendale review or something.

But this? This is so wrong.

It is time for a new rule.

The construction workers must be cute rule.

From now on. Construction workers must be at least six feet tall. Construction worker waistlines must be no larger than 36 inches. Construction workers must wear well fitted jeans. [Boxer shorts should not poof out of those jeans and those jeans should not spend most of their time dangerously hovering on the brink of falling free of whatever bubble gum adhesive is keeping them glued to the bottom of one butt cheek.] Shirts are not encouraged. All construction workers should have all their hair and all their teeth. [This does not include back or knuckle or ear or nostril hair they invented wax for a reason.] Exceptional abs and biceps are a must. Bonus points for pretty eyes and a chiselled jaw. And no facial hair.

Is that asking too much? On a Sunday morning?

I think not.

[PS: If my new neighbors are reading? Listen. Anybody who uses a nail gun with that much freedom of intent needs an immediate tox screen that just does not happen without pick me up chemical action nothing needs that many nails.]

24 Responses to construction this

  1. Lemme just say that “rapid” setting on nail guns is awesome! It really does make short work of framing. Way, way easier than hammering for hours on end.

    I’m just glad that the construction work that I do now is on a volunteer basis and that I don’t wake anyone up for it.

  2. max

    There is a big difference between using a nail gun right and “I am tweaking and putting too many nails in this.”

    Even if you do not know the difference between the right number of nails and the wrong number [and my step-father is a carpenter I do] you can still spot the second group — that is the group that by 1 pm is out of fun power and starts going really really slow. It is also the group that gets paid and does not show up for work again till that cash runs out.

  3. Are illegal immigrants tall in general? I don’t know.

  4. The hottest construction guys I have ever seen were in Key West and Phoenix. Plumber’s crack would be totally forgiveable on those guys.

  5. The tweaking thing could be a reason. If there are like 6 or 7 nails connecting each stud to the joist, then yes, they are going a bit overboard. The bad thing is that using that many nails is actually bad for the joint and can cause it to fail. Basically, the studs will split and crack. (BTW, can you tell that I’m one of those “tool guys”?) HA!

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re having to deal with this. Seriously, I know that it’s annoying. Have you talked to the person getting the work done and ask them if the crew can start at a reasonable hour? How about the management of the place you’re in?

  6. max

    Maybe the next vacation should be in Key West. Hmm.

    ‘Course, Arizona is closer. It is awful hot in Arizona though.

  7. Oh Max, I would do just about anything to have this construction finished in my house. Twenty ugly guys in one day, just get it done, don’t run off with the money until it is finished and don’t cause oil spills in my house (I’m still smelling that stuff).

    But yeah, since it’s not your own place they’re working on, you should get something for putting up with all that noise.

  8. There’s got to be at least one cute one, I mean shouldn’t there be?

  9. max

    They should all be cute. Damn imperfect world.

  10. Okay, so leaf blowers are illegal in LA, but nail guns at butt o’clock on Sunday morning are fine?

    And I’ve been in the south way too long. When I see “LA” now, I think “Louisiana” instead of “Los Angeles.” My inner CA-native weeps. (She’ll get over it when she gets the registration renewal on her car for a whopping $60.)

  11. Wow, I am shocked with the brazen objectivization of construction workers! Are they just pieces of meat who are not allowed to whistle when they have too much air in their lungs? Or to work out aching kinks in their necks by craning in one direction and moving the eyes up and down? Or to work on their vocabulary by finding new strings of English words such as: “why don’t you walk those legs ’round here again, honey?”

    Thank the gods you never had clowns working in your neighborhood.

  12. max

    Did they outlaw leafblowers? That may explain why the guy who leafblows the street around here does it between 1:30 and 2:30 am.

    Tch, Blipey, everyone knows clowns — unlike construction workers — have to stay in shape.

  13. Eddie

    These same rules should apply to the female workers as well, right(even more so, I hope)? We have a construction site near my day job with a lot of women who have at least 42 inch waists. You might like their biceps, though.

    In response to your stalker post, allow me to say I am not a stalker. Your book on the industry was one of the first few books I ever read before writing my own screenplays. I check in on your site now and again, but don’t often comment. I don’t have a blog to prove it, but I’m an undiscovered thirty-something screenwriter from Columbus, Ohio. And yes, I realize this explanation seems like something a stalker would say. I think. Damned if I do…

  14. max

    I am glad you enjoyed the book, Eddie. Thanks for stopping by.

  15. aj

    Got your message on my blog about email. I am not sure why they are bouncing back as I am getting email from everyone else. Even 5150 forum email is getting through.

  16. max

    Jeez. It is just me then. That is so descriminatory.

  17. aj

    I am at the computer now, if you are, email me a ‘test’ and I will see if it comes through.

  18. aj

    I didn’t get the email and I haven’t lit a candle in months, so we can point the finger someone else’s way, I say Sophia.

  19. Sophia

    I saw that!

  20. max

    Sophia? Have you been lighting candles?

  21. Sophia

    Tea candles. But it’s not my fault. Aj gave them to me and put a gun in my head. I didn’t have a choice.

  22. max

    Inspiration for a new post. Cool.

  23. They’re putting up a new buidling on Yesler Max…and rest assured it has inspired people to all of the SUDDEN become interested in construction.

    I mean talk about community bonding…men and women joined together in quiet reflection- gazing up into the heavens and…well, you get it.

    It’s not exactly Church but I’ll bet more people have stood on that corner and said, ” Jesus Christ ” then in all of the Churches in Seattle put together.

    Anita M

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