breadsticks from hell : part iii

manolo blahnik by joe hendryHe kept calling.
For three days, I hid from the phone. But it would not stop ringing. This could not go on. Sometimes I have to use that phone. I had to answer —

He wanted to go on another date.


I do not think that is a good idea, I said — cautiously.

He did.

Look, I had to say, I am not going out with you again. Stop calling me.



This was a grown man. The first date I stood him up. The second date ended with him standing in a parking lot shouting after a car screaming down asphalt faster than God or Henry Ford intended. AFTER I purposefully risked running over his feet and maiming him for life AND facing legal charges for hit and run — just to get away from him. I had ignored and not returned [too many] phone calls for three solid days. I had used every known polite Southern discouragement to dissuade his advances and interest — and invented new ones. And, when forced into the final corner of no retreat, had picked up and abandoned all vestiges of decorum and civility to tell him flat out not no, but fuck no. And first he argued. And then he demanded explanations?

What was this? Debate team dating? I win, you lose, now you have to date me? Does any male on any planet think that is charismatic or attractive or actually works? It had to be clear I feared, loathed, and held only contempt for him. Yet still, he wanted to date me?

Where was his pride?

Where was his dignity?

Where was a hit man when I needed one?

And. More importantly.

What was I supposed to say?

[Um. Because you chew with your mouth open, try to give a woman noogies in front of strangers, do not understand the word no, failed chemistry, I had to wash your lip goo off my fucking car, and you are lacking in all social graces and also a pervert confused about promiscuity and its relation to the decade?]

Because I said no.

Please stop talking.

I have to hang up now.


It took three more of those —


To make my point.

You can dial.

But I do not have to speak.

— The End


:::breadsticks from hell : part i:::
:::breadsticks from hell : part ii:::
:::breadsticks from hell : part iii:::


goaded by stilletto | inspired by rain

where the art work came from :
that is manolo blahnik by joe hendry

52 Responses to breadsticks from hell : part iii

  1. Wow. I had a feeling he was going to be one of those “now explain yourself” types. God, the Klingons are the worst: are they really counting on us not to say “Because you repel me”?

    Congrats on surviving with your dignity and your manners intact.

  2. Egads.

    You handled him very well, considering.

    What is a noogie, anyway?

  3. Knock on wood and hope it really is the end. Guys who need explainations….. YIKES! You gotta clean the slate and start over.

  4. Count your blessings that he didn’t stalk you for an extended period. Incessantly calling like that illustrates real desperation, and a total lack of dignity. This further illustrates that “Cement Pie Hole” is an ass of extraordinary magnitude. Hell, he isn’t even a self-respecting ass.

  5. Maybe he figured if he showed enough hustle the coach would put him the fourth quarter of the big game.

  6. max

    If I had truly handled things well I would not have been on that date at all, but it is a funny story now so not a complete loss.

  7. max

    Bestill my heart. Good morning Valliant.

  8. Persistent little bugger, wasn’t he? The scariest thing is – he is still out there and going out on dates with women.

    Thank you Max. I have an algae eater in my fish tank that sticks its lips to the glass. I’ll never look at it in the same way again.

  9. Yeah, that guy clearly has no game.

  10. max

    Fate having a dark and twisted sense of humor, that guy is probably happilly married.

  11. But is his wife happy?! That’s the question!

    I dated a guy whose father beat him with a prosthetic leg. He’s my trump card in the “I’ve dated some losers” game.

  12. max

    You are such an overachiever Ms. Pants.

  13. “I dated a guy whose father beat him with a prosthetic leg.”

    Who’s prosthetic leg was it?
    The fathers? The guys? Some unfortunate third party’s?

  14. The father’s. He’d take it off (hopping mad, if you will), and beat the kid with it.

    Sorry, but I’m not going to continue dating a guy who is too fucking stupid to run from a one legged man.

  15. He was from Kentucky. I should have known then.

    But no, that wasn’t the only reason. It also had a lot to do with the time he pinned me up against a brick wall and cocked his fist back. Luckily, I raised my knee before he threw his arm at my face.

  16. Z

    This guy needs counseling.

    I bet he was a late in life only child. It is the only explaination that makes sense. His parents probably didn’t think they could have kids and were so happy to have conceived that they heaped praise and attention on him and were afraid to punish him. Unless he grew up in the Ozarks hunting coon and rattlers, there is no other excuse for not having basic manners.

  17. max

    Jeez, Ms. Pants. You are not allowed to play with him any more.

  18. Not even an issue. I cut him off that very night. I don’t play that physical thing. That’s actually the only time in my adult life that I’ve ever purposely kicked a man in the nuts. And even then, I didn’t do it very hard (certainly not as hard as he was going to hit me). I know that’s a no-no spot.

  19. “Sorry, but I’m not going to continue dating a guy who is too fucking stupid to run from a one legged man.”
    Classic. I can see the old man hopping after his hapless victim with his leg in his hand… Screaming, “Come back here so I can put my foot in your ass!” Haaaaaaaa!

  20. max

    I have never had a man I knew draw back to hit me. Strangers have. Never someone I was close to personally. That would be very bad. I am so sorry that happened. We hate him.

  21. Physical violence is unacceptable, and cutting him off right then and there is the only way to go. You should have just kicked him full-force in the groin. You would have laid his ass out, and he deserved it. At any rate you did good – Bravo!

  22. I wonder if anyone ever told breadstick guy that he chews with his mouth open.

  23. The one and only guy who ever tried to back hand me can’t raise his hand above his shoulder to this day- and that injury occured over 20 years ago.

    Sometimes when that little voice says, ” this is a very bad idea ” you should listen…anyway that’s what he told my brother.

  24. max

    Violence has its place. You do not hit your girlfriend though. That makes you a bad bad man.

    Michele, you would hope. That is a job for friends or family though and I was neither.

    Anita, did you take his arm off or did your brother? I am so impressed.

  25. This just in…
    Pomona, CA. An ATM thief failed to get away as his prosthetic leg fell off as he was trying to elude police. No shit, on the news right now! LOL.

  26. max

    Oh wow. Ms. Pants’ ex-possible-future-father-in-law, is that you?

  27. Hey Max…
    Nope- that was me, It’s amazing the self defense stuff that you can learn when your older cousins are Military :-)

    My little brother and this guy actually ended up working together at one weird point in time- it really is a small world.

  28. max

    All this time I thought you were a delicate little thing you are a stealth combat fighter.

  29. There should totally be Dating by Debate. I lettered in Mock Trial in high school. I would win all my dates!

  30. max

    I do not think mentally bludgeoning your prospective mate till she is too dazed to say no is the basis for a meaningful relationship, Chris. I could be wrong.

  31. Chris, you better not be breadstick guy.


  32. max

    Chris has lovely table manners.

  33. I lettered in Mock Trial as well, Chris. Wanna share a breadstick?

    I get links to prosthetic leg stories all the time from my friends. :-)

    Re: Leg Boy–and that’s what he’s called all the time now…. The entire story is so melodramatic and ridiculous. I didn’t knee him all the way cos I was scared and didn’t have much room to wind up for the kick. However, the wall he backed me up against happened to be a hallway within a military barracks and I made enough noise before and during the kick that a few other military dudes came out of their rooms to see what was going on. I’m not sure what happened to Leg Boy immediately after but I know he was tackled as I ran away. I also know that my best mate’s boyfriend knew quite a few people on the ship he was stationed to and that a good time was definitely not had by all on that ship. I asked not to be informed of the details.

  34. Ms. Pants, you remind me of my mother, and that’s a compliment.

    My father once attempted to hit my mother.


    When he came around, he asked to be reminded never to do that again, and he never did. You didn’t mess with my mother.

  35. and Anita Marie. Sorry, need coffee, but it applies to you both.

  36. I haven’t read all the comments, and quite purposefully so! Damn Max, where do you get these guys? I mean, I might just be staying in some sort of bubble, but I can’t possibly imagine a guy, ANY guy, behaving so badly. No guy that actually gets dates anyway. It seems as though someone should rescue you from your despair and remind you of what real men are like. Anyone.


    The idiots that some men sometime are. I get so angry when I see guys doing the stupidest things – completely ignorant of the effects that they have on women and their perception of men. Eish

  37. Now that i have – i totally agree with you all. Hitting your gilrfriend/wife is mad! I can, however, understand how one could hit something else sometimes because of a girlfriend/wife, but jeez! Once again – who do you people date?! :)

  38. max

    Sweet Bernard. I am not despairing. I think it is funny. Kind of horrific at the time. But funny now.

  39. Hey Max-
    That’s me, the stealth combat fighter- tho’ it’d be fun to be a Delicate Stealth Combat Fighter.

    And who did I date Bernard?

    Well, you know, humans…who are flawed- except for me I’m perfect- I’m a Delicate Stealth Combat Fighter… Max said so :-)

  40. Let’s all date Bernard! :-)

  41. max

    Has anyone else noticed the Bernard/Mirco resemblance?

  42. Max, do you have a search feature on your blog? If not, it would be mighty helpful. I wanted direct access to Mirco so I can compare…

  43. max

    I do not and I get lost here trying to find things too I should probably better organize the place jeesh but here is Mirco:

  44. Oh my! LOL YES!

    This is going to mess with your head all day, isn’t it? That and VS?

    I hear a story in the works….I do believe in signs…

  45. max

    Startling, isn’t it?

  46. Very. It’s as though he’s come to life.

  47. max

    Well THAT was not supposed to happen. What sort of maladjusted imaginary boyfriend scenario is this? The whole point of an imaginary boyfriend is, hello, he is imaginary.

  48. Max, this is so funny! I can literally feel your pain as I read the story.

    The window part reminded me of a guy I was trying to get away from who jumped on top of my car and started making faces through the windshield. I started cleaning the window and wiper fluid got in his eyes. He’s probably still mad about it.

  49. max

    Oh I love that. “That thing has got to come off the windshield, here I will push this button.” LOL

  50. Pingback: breadsticks from hell : part ii « celluloid blonde

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