an unfortunate history with inanimate objects




I would like to say :::Lizard on the Doorstep::: is the only chance encounter I have had with an inanimate object in which I mistook an inanimate object for an immediate threat of the antisocial animal variety.

This would not be true.



Age 7: When asked to take the trash out after dark, mistook a discarded chair and couch in the dumpster for bears.

Age 8: When crawling under house foundation [don’t ask, it is an eight year old thing] mistook mattress entrails for pack of attacking tarantulas.



[One reason my step-father will always be endeared to me is, he returned from each above emergency site saying things like “they did look like bears” and “that did look like a herd of attacking tarantulas.”]

[Also he was totally right they did.]



Flash to Now: Going out onto balcony after dark for a smoke, mistook oak leaf of unusual size for alligator lizard.



In my defense, there have been a LOT of incidents that totally did involve living creatures of questionable hospitality:

:::Playing Chicken With the Bear:::

:::Red Racer:::

:::Duct Tape is My Friend:::



Also in my defense I have had a lot of non-reported antisocial animal encounters:

•Swarmed by usually-brine-shrimp-eating-not-max-eating spiders at the Greater Salt Lakes —

[I hope never again to find myself stripping on a public boating dock shouting, “Hit me with the hose!”] —

•Attacked by an innocuous twig that wrapped around my ankle and tried to bite me —

[yes, snakes do fly] —

•Escaped 350+ pound pigs trying to eat me —

[technically that was a lot my fault I should not have been in the pigs’ yard on that farm but still, death by 300 pound pigs does not look good on a tomb stone] —

•Chased by an antisocial goat —

[yeah yeah yeah everything trying to hit you with horns looks big and aggressive when you are three but still, mental scars, people, mental scars!]

•There was a standard poodle who lived in a house on the way to school when I was in first grade and that damn poodle chased my bike every day on the way to school —

[I have a scar on my wrist still from the day my bike’s chain fell off changing gears and that damn poodle finally caught me and took me down.]

[Also, no matter how many times your kid mistakes couches in the dumpster for bears after dark, (ONE TIME!), maybe listen when your kid tells you every day a dog is attacking her on the way to school — that works out better than the day the school nurse calls saying your kid is all messed up from a bike crash and dog attack.]



TALLYING UP THE LIST here as well as events to remain unmentioned [yes unmentioned and they will REMAIN UNMENTIONED TOO] I’m going to say there were more antisocial animal encounters than inanimate object encounters.

Also that oak leaf of unusual size totally had it coming.





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