aliens stole my body


abduction of persephone by beniniSo I looked in the mirror —

To see what I look like naked. Do not ask me why I did that, except out of a mild thought that sometime in the future I might actually want someone else to see me naked and what would they be seeing if they did curiosity. [There are not a lot of mirrors around here so this is not something I see often.]

Oh. My. God.

Clearly, aliens abducted me in my sleep and planted my head on someone else’s body. This is not mine.

Where is my freaking body?

This is what happens I guess when you take months off any sort of exercise and take the elevator instead of the stairs and wow, clearly it is back to the stairs time for me.

What a catastrophe.

I guess it is all relative though. I was walking to the Academy today and this woman coming towards me gave me the “I hate you” look. She was 5’2″ and weighed at least 150 pounds — and probably more. I guess to her I looked pretty svelte.

She is kind of not the demographic I am interested in looking good to though.

Freaking aliens and their body stealing ways.



:::aliens stole my body i:::
:::aliens stole my body ii:::
:::aliens stole my body iii:::
:::aliens stole my body iv:::


where the art work comes from :
that is the abduction of persephone by bernini

50 Responses to aliens stole my body

  1. Oh my God! They got you too!!

  2. Sadly, the troll you passed represents 90% of the population. No matter what the aliens wreaked, you are still in the top 10 percentile… And it’s not too late to hit the gym and make it back into the top 5.

    Show those aliens that you aren’t going to take their shit.

  3. well, now, in defense of et and his horny little friends, you can hardly blame them for snatching something so delectable, especially if you forgot to chain it to the bed whilst you were sleeping ;)

  4. max

    Sheesh. I thought those chains were just for recreational purposes.

  5. it’s the new millennium, max.

    even sex toys multitask 8)

  6. “especially if you forgot to chain it to the bed whilst you were sleeping”

    I tie all my lady folk to the bed for that exact reason. Sometime I even exausht them first to make sure they don’t sleep thrash their way to freedom…then body stealing doom!

  7. I’m just under 5’2 and when I was at 150, I was a mere tits on sticks. I’m amazed at how tiny I was. I’m sure I looked surgically enhanced but you could have bounced a VW bug off any part of my body. Except maybe my tits cos those were still the standard make up of extra fat.

    If I was a troll then, I shudder to think what I am now.

  8. Ms. Pants, the phrase “tits on sticks” sounds like it should be in the R-rated version of “Fox in Socks.”

    And here’s a new trick, Mr. Knox….
    Tits on sticks and dicks in chicks.

  9. Dicks IN chicks is better than dicks ON chicks, I guess. Or chicks with dicks. Real dicks. Cos we all have fake ones in drawers. I’m taking this too far.

    Anyway! Yeah, it’s rather Seussical, but I never lose the tatas no matter how skinny I get. So if I ever got back down into the 115 range again, I’d probably just fall over forward and smother. Gods help me if I ever get knocked up. I’ll need a special boob-wheel-barrow.

  10. I feel your pain, Pants.

    Now I have Seussical rhymes whirling through my brain. Could make for some interesting dreams…

  11. I do not like green eggs and ham
    But tits on sticks, and an oral exam?!
    Sign me up, Sign me up! Sam, I am.

  12. Oh shut up you skinny biotch……..
    We don’t hate you just becasue you are skinny… have to be beautiful,intelligent, and most of all complaining about your minute details of imperfection……. yeah, then you’ll get the look.

    skinny but still miserable about my body…..when does it ever stop?

  13. Where shall I shag her, Sam I am?
    Not ‘tween her tits, not twixt her legs
    Not in her mouth, unless she begs
    I shall not shag her, Sam I am
    Not shagging her, or sister Pam

  14. max

    “I tie all my lady folk to the bed for that exact reason. Sometime I even exausht them first to make sure they don’t sleep thrash their way to freedom…”

    Show me.

  15. AJ, I’ve got a set of leather handcuffs lined with fluffy wool if you need. They’re buckles, so you can really thwart slippy wrists. They also separate so you can go all Captain Starfish on her.

  16. “so you can go all Captain Starfish on her”

    The mind buckles.

  17. max

    I do not know what Captain Starfish is but I am willing to find out. For science.

  18. “Captain’s log, Starfish 133.21.331.

    I appear to be bound to a sleeping chamber of some sort, with metallic restraints holding my hands at the upper corners and my feet at the lower corners. I’m incredibly vulnerable in this position, but may have the opportunity to be violated by one of the aliens who reportedly stole Mr. Spock’s body and replaced it with someone named Danny Devito.”

  19. Aliens stole my body to Max and I the reason I keep moving around is so that they can’t find it make me take it back-

    so what do I look like now? Better? Worse? Does it matter?

    ahhh….that’s the question.


  20. “I tie all my lady folk to the bed for that exact reason. Sometime I even exausht them first to make sure they don’t sleep thrash their way to freedom…then body stealing doom!”

    AJ knows how to say all the right things. If he likes to play with knives he’d be perfect!

  21. Oh Max, stop your whining! Come visit me, crash in my guest bedroom, and I will give you the workout of your life!

  22. Oh sheesh, that did not come out the way I meant it to.

    What I mean is, I will work your ass good and plenty in the gym and you will never complain again! I will get your butt to poke out, give you nut crackin’ legs, perk-ify those boobs even more – don’t forget the abs of steel – you will be my creation! MUHAHAHA! A lean mean man eatin’ machine!

  23. What the hell is Captain Starfish?

  24. Eddie

    I was Mel(Gibson)for sake of lame joke, am not stalker guy. Sorry. Didn’t mean to get all three inch sharpened brad on you if that’s what you thought.

    Or maybe you were just defending Mel’s honor. If so, tell him I’m sorry too. :-)

  25. max

    Jeez, Stil, did you just make a pass? Oh, wait, okay, the gym. I do not do gyms. Gyms always have guys who loiter in doorways staring at you thinking things you want to hit them for. I will go back to doing lifts while I read scripts, I have a lot of scripts to read, that should work.

    Valliant is perfect with or without knives.

    Eddie, did I delete you?

  26. Max, “show me” That was too funny! It’s impossible to be mad at you even if you are just a few lifts shy of perfection. But, come on you better start enjoying your hottness a little more! Jeez!

  27. Max, we’re not thinking things you’d want to hit us for.

    Our thoughts are much, much more deviant.

  28. max

    Trust me Firm, those guys are thinking things I want to hit them for. I can practically hear those thoughts they are so freaking loud and obvious.

    Jennifer, enjoy my hotness? That is very funny.

  29. Eddie

    Eddie, did I delete you? Yes.

    I posted the most brilliantly funny comment ever in the history of comments, where I impersonated Mel Gibson. And while I can’t remember the details, I, or Mel, totally coined the expression “Sugar tits on a stick” after solidly setting up said expression. I guess it was tragically lost somewhere among the internets.

    Rethinking it now, maybe it’s for the better.

  30. “Gyms always have guys who loiter in doorways staring at you thinking things you want to hit them for.”

    Wish my gym had those.

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  32. max

    There there, Eddie. It was not that brilliant. Chalk this one up as me saving you from yourself.

  33. “She was 5′2″ and weighed at least 150 pounds — and probably more. I guess to her I looked pretty svelte.”
    Max, I was just upset you never said HI. truth be told, not only did aliens steal your body, they deposited the extra fat on me. as long as they do not take it out of my boobs, im ok.

  34. max

    Blete, I would have, but that chainsaw you were carrying was kind of intimidating.

  35. oh, isn’t that what you asked me to bring for our “Alien welcome” committee?
    Or was it a sow in chains? i get easily confused nowadays. Aliens again you see.

  36. max

    Well I said potatoe salad but that is easy to confuse with chainsaw it could happen to anyone.

  37. Note to self: Don’t eat the potato salad at Max’s annual Memorial Day cookout.

  38. 5’2 and 150 pounds? Those must have been some huge tits.

  39. Lucky you to slip by the BMI like that.

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  41. i detest exercise but i detest missing my midnight ice cream even more.
    5’2″? 150 lbs? hmmmm that sounds suspiciously like me.

    my recommendation? get rid of every fucking mirror in the house that shows your body from the neck down. i am now aspiring to get rid of the ones showing anything from the neck up as well;
    the preemptive strike of a woman in her 40’s.

  42. max

    I probably should get a full length mirror. If I had one of those around I would see progress.

  43. My God. I thought I was the only female on the planet without a full length mirror. I have no idea what the bottom half of me even looks like.

  44. A full length mirror would really be helpful. You need one that talks, “You’re hot” I’ve had buying a scale on my list for the last eight weeks.
    Because I have crossed off so many things it’s risen to the top of my things to do list……. it’s made it to the top and it’s holding, this could go on for a while.

  45. Come on ladies! Have more confidence! I’m sure it’s not that bad or even bad at all.

    But I still can’t believe I’m the only one here with a full length do you see what your pants look like with your top? Or your skirt with shoes?

    Jennifer, why on earth would you want to buy a scale? Save your money and go get some ice cream instead lol Seriously though — scales are b.s.

  46. Scales are [as Max likes to quip] a device of the devil!

  47. I want the scale that says, get off me you cow! HA HA ….

  48. max

    Oh I love my scale it is glass and art.

    I just hold a hand mirror out and do an up down scan to check clothes.

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