they're cats
Well
still no fairy godmother has shown up and this little elf did show up
and clean house but sadly that little elf's name was Max. So you can imagine
the condition of my manicure. Especially since the deadly Pepto Bismol
Meets the Petsitter incident, which maybe I will talk about later but,
manicures aside, it is the end of August and if I am going to get another
August thought up it had better be now. So I'm cheating. I'm pulling a
thought from the past:
From the files of "Landlords Are Stupid":
THEY'RE
CATS
I'm thinking of telling potential landlords my dogs are cats. I feel no
guilt over this. Landlords deserve it. They don't like dogs.
Potential landlords don't like dogs so much, they put it in their advertisements:
Spacious apartment you would love to rent, three million dollars per month,
NO DOGS. Every once in a while, they vary the theme: Spacious apartment
you would love to rent, three million dollars per month, cats okay. Don't
be fooled by this, though. "Cats okay" translates loosely to "NO DOGS."
You can't fool a dog owner on that.
Some ads don't say NO DOGS. They leave it out so they can humiliate dog
owners and run up their phone bills. I know. I've called those potential
landlords on the phone. One response in particular that keeps popping
up is, "We had to draw the line somewhere." This, coming from a potential
landlord? What line? Are we at war? In conflict? Fisticuffs on the beach,
perhaps? Personally, I just wanted a place to put my furniture and an
address to give to the government so I could register to vote, but landlords
have to "draw the line somewhere."
This does not make a lot of sense to me. Many potential landlords have
dogs. But they don't want to rent to other people with dogs. This is because
the potential landlord's dog trashed the apartment the potential landlord
is about to rent to you -- the potential landlord having moved into something
much nicer you're about to finance with your rent check -- and now potential
landlords want to make sure only people without dogs get to appreciate
what their dogs did to the apartment. I look at an apartment with half
the molding chewed off and holes in the carpet, I wonder who they're trying
to fool. I know a dog did that. A bad dog. A dog that wasn't trained.
Which sure as hell isn't my dog. But potential landlords seem to think
people without dogs will rent this place? Someone should tell them, the
only person likely to rent that place is someone on crack (now there's
a nice healthy tenant) or a dog owner who will be so grateful someone
is willing to rent to a dog owner he/she won't complain. Hmmm.
I don't think it will be too difficult to convince people my dogs are
cats. Dolph has pointy ears. Dolph is a Norwegian Elkhound and all Norwegian
Elkhounds have pointy ears, so this is a major point in our favor. And
Dolph is a little over weight, which gives him that nice round cat look.
So if we just say he's a very big cat, we might get away with it, what
with those pointy ears and all.
Loki, however, is a problem. He's a Golden Retriever. And, try as I may,
it's hard to disguise a Golden Retriever as a cat. Something about the
ears, I think. They flop.
I know what you're thinking. Clothes pins. I'm way ahead of you there.
I tried it on a neighbor kid. And it was not a roaring success. If you
ever want complete honesty, do not ask your best friend whether that dress
makes you look fat, ask a neighbor kid. You will get the truth. For example,
I asked the kid, what do you think of my cat? The kid paused. The kid
looked at Loki. Then the kid asked how come my cat was 1) eighty three
pounds, four ounces (wow, you can't fool a kid); and 2) wearing earrings.
So I think we have a problem.
I could try for the one dog, one cat routine. That would be better than
two dogs. (You need to call potential landlords on the phone and tell
them you have two large dogs, just to appreciate the effect.) So. One
dog, one cat. Think they'll go for it? Nope. Odds to evens, they'll complain
about even one dog.
I think this belligerance towards dogs is descrimination and I'm going
to write my congressman just as soon as I find a place to live and can
register to vote (congressmen are not impressed by homeless people with
dogs -- which makes one suspect congressmen are potential landlords).
But congressmen passed a law that said landlords have to rent to people
with children. Excuse me?
Let's examine this for a moment. My dogs don't spill Kool Aid on the carpet
(I have a man I date who takes care of that, which makes me wonder if
maybe I shouldn't be dating older men). My dogs don't draw on walls with
crayons. My dogs don't play with fire crackers. My dogs don't pick people's
prize winning Azaleas. Or draw on the sidewalk with chalk. Or play with
matches. My dogs don't leave bikes in the street. Or torture neighbors
with trumpet practice. Or turn on the tub faucet and forget about it till
the neighbor calls and asks why water is flowing out of their living room
light fixture. My dogs are overall much better behaved than children.
But congressmen decided landlords must rent property to potentially hazardous
children, and not dogs.
It makes no sense to me, but I can live with it. I'll say my dogs are
cats. Cats are much more popular with potential landlords. I wonder sometimes
if this is because landlords think cat owners don't date. The movies always
show lonely women with cats. I think landlords have bought into the concept.
But I have news for landlords. Not only do women with cats date, their
dates spill grape Kool Aid on the rug. Sheesh, how naive can some people
be?
Pretty naive, if you ask me, which is why I think disguising my dogs as
cats just might work. I'll put on my lonely woman business suit, put bells
around their necks and they're cats, right? Big cats, yes, but that is
because I fed them Purina. Too much protein. And if anyone asks me about
my Golden cat's earrings? He's an Egyptian cat. All Egyptian cats wear
earrings.
So there.
PS: So the computer disaster continues and, um, if you want to even be in the address book e-mail to be put in.
PPS: The newer and more exciting computer disaster continues but I have this plan that is to pull addresses off the hardcopy tattered pages that remain and put in addresses one alphabet letter a day. Ask how well this is going? Um, I am still in the A's.
PPPS: Whoever wrote "Max Was Here" at Pesos on the mens' room wall is still in trouble.
