femme fatale me
So we survived Loki's surgery. Now he is wearing T shirts so he will not scratch stitches and neighbors think I am crazed walking around Downtown with a dog dressed in people clothes but I do not care it is funny to me. A friend wants to take photos of Jones and the dogs and me as a Christmas present. That is a very nice present. I am looking at Loki who is zipper dog with stitches and me who is between hair colors -- that means letting the old color grow out (the plan is blonde in time for New Year's Eve, ooh la la) so I do not have to strip red dye off my hair (stripping red off is no picnic) -- thinking maybe this is not the best time for photos. Hmm. But I keep getting tagged for not having a head shot (those pesky missing photos again) so maybe this will turn out. And here comes Christmas and I do not even have cards yet (uh oh) but on to this week's thought that is --
FEMME FATALE ME:
I send out rays that bamboozle men's minds. It is on purpose too. I know this because a girlfriend just told me so.
My girlfriend had a date with a guy she recently met. I think it was the second or third date. She liked him a lot. They were going to dinner. He called to say he was going to be an hour late.
An hour and a half later. No guy. No phone call. No date.
This is when my phone rang.
It is an emergency girl support moment. She and I talk. She is some upset. She has reservations about this guy anyway because he seems too smooth maybe but she is sort of hoping those reservations are wrong. I do not point out not showing up is not too smooth. I am being support girl here. Mostly I listen. I say there could be a good reason. I say don't panic.
A half hour later. No guy. No call. No date.
My girlfriend is dressed up for a nice dinner in a nice outfit waiting on a guy who first said he would be late and then did not even show up. She has not eaten. She is upset. She is hungry. If the guy does call now, well you do not want to be sitting home waiting on a guy an hour after he does not show. And if he does not call at all, well she will be all dressed up eating furniture and that is no good either. I throw on clothes and she and I go to a nice restaurant. We have a glass of wine. We order. We commiserate.
Her cell phone rings.
I am not sure how late the guy is now, but PRETTY DAMN LATE. He apologizes, he was stuck in a business meeting and her number was in his car in the garage, he is so sorry.
She tells him where we are. That he can meet us.
How much do I like this guy?
Not much.
He hurt a friend.
Getting stood up hurts. Even if it turns out later you did not get stood up you spend all the time before you find that out thinking and feeling like you did.
He apologizes pretty. But it is possible to step out of a meeting running late (people undrstand when meetings run late people have to make calls) or send an assistant down to your car or something for a number and I am pretty sure my girlfriend's number is listed also because she is not like-me-crazed-about-stalkers she does things like list her number and he has a cell phone he could call information he had options. Also, allegedly this guy used to be a Hollywood agent. That does not endear him to me either. (No offense Hollywood agents but you guys are sharks and you know it so do not ruffle up you do not want your sister dating an agent.) But he said he was sorry nice and it is up to her so he is coming to meet us.
So.
The guy shows up. Food shows up. Since he was at some sort of dinner meeting he is not hungry so just she and I eat and he just tries some appetizer.
They chat.
The bill comes.
I do not see him making any moves for his wallet.
This is appalling to me. Maybe there is some new etiquette that says if you ask a girl to dinner and then eat before you show up AND show up hours late that makes it fine for her to pay for dinner you asked her to and also since you only had drinks and an appetizer she and her friend can pay your bill too.
But not in my universe.
I say, "Since dinner was your idea and you are the jerk who was late, are you planning on picking that up?"
My girlfriend dies, which is when I know she must really like this guy, but he reaches for his wallet and picks up dinner and is gracious about it even though I had to suggest it and it should have been his idea.
Then they are going for a drink and I THINK I am going home but they say Oh no, come with us. And I say Oh no, you go. And they say Oh no, come with. And because everyone is being too polite and machiavellian to even say what they are really thinking I get sucked into going in one of those courtesy dances that will not end.
(Being third wheel on a date is fun like math. Don't you learn that the hard way.)
So. There we are. The guy is some sort of upper management in a hotel restaurant thingamajig so we are at some little place he used to manage and he knows all the help which I guess makes him a big shot. Also he understands artists because he owns a guitar so he lectures me some about what artists are like i.e. what I am like and for sure he knows he has known me an hour. Then he goes to the restroom and my girlfriend says, "If he pays more attention to you than he does to me I'm going to be really upset."
The only reason I am in this mess is I showed up to be girl support when the guy did not show up and then the guy showed up after all and then I got sucked into drinks because SOMEONE WAS TRYING TOO HARD TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION ON A GUY TO SAY "YOUR SERVICES ARE NO LONGER REQUIRED TAKE A HIKE SO I AM ALONE WITH THIS GUY."
I guess that might not have looked good in front of the guy and they sure should have said that but instead --
SOMEONE SAID "COME ALONG FOR DRINKS NO REALLY COME ALONG I MEAN IT." Like she really did. Enough times to get me stuck in the courtesy zone.
(I am working on appallingly rude exits and think I have almost got them down. I see one in my immediate future and I swear I am going to pull it off. Really. I am practicing like a ninja.)
So the guy gets back and I do the absent-conversation-girl thing till I can get out of there and finally I do get out of there and I go my way and they go theirs.
Which should be the end.
But isn't.
Flash forward. I am on the phone with my girlfriend. She tells me she thinks I tried to pick up her date.
Hmm.
I say, " I did not even like your date."
She tells me he thought so too.
Now this is a guy who, after drinks, went home with her, slept with her, and did not return her phone calls after. A guy who says he was a Hollywood agent like that is a good thing. A guy who thinks owning a guitar he sometimes takes out on weekends makes him an authority on "artists." A guy who shows up hours late for dinner dates without calling and it is not his idea to buy his date's dinner.
I imagine her and that guy discussing whether I was trying to pick him up.
I imagine who might have brought it up.
I imagine reasons why.
I say, "I was not even nice to that guy."
She tells me me not being nice to a guy is my calculated "come get me" act and I know it has that effect on men and just makes them want me.
So there you have it. I am an evil femme fatale who tries to steal my girlfriends' dates with calculated "come get me" rays I send out to cloud men's brains and also when I call a guy a jerk that makes him want me and when I stop participating in conversations that makes him want me and I know that and that is why I do it. It is on purpose and calculated because I plan every syllable and action to seduce men I am that smart and I am going to try to stop that but you know evil femme fatale chicks, we are just like that and probably it will not work.
Oh. And also. No one said "Thank you for showing up to be girl support when I thought I really needed you."
Love and Kisses,
That Femme Fatale Girl
PS: I am for the moment tabling Flash so it is safe to unbuckle and even wave your arms a little if you want but the first person to play with matches is in trouble so remember Christmas is coming and be good.
PPS: Horoscope Woman in surreal counterpart chimes in this month with: "Aquarius, you are about to become the envy of the zodiac!" Also she is gearing up for year end highlight taunting with "this year's New Year's Eve should be one to remember!"
